A dedication to the Sun of 2004........to my tears of the morning....I would like to bid an adios....

"For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning."
~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

"Jai Ho" -- As Pandit Jasraj Says.......

The Near and The Far....The Over and The Out....The Exhilaration and The Despair....Allll....the same ..............Saludos 2004. FELIZ NAVIDOS 2005.

U TAUGHT ME A HELL LOT i HOPE I PROVE TO BE A GOOD STUDENT.


THE MAIL WHICH ENDS THE LAST EXTRACTS of what i BELIEVE TO HAVE BEEN A ALL GIVEN AND NOTHING TAKEN AFFAIR WITH SOMEONE.....MY MAIL TO HER AND HER WUD BE HUSBAND AT THE BOTTOM, then, THEIR MAILs. GOOD GOOD. WISH U ALL LUCK.....


JAI HO!!!!!



---------------------------------

Hi Chirantan,
Thanks a lot for your wishes,

Wishing you and family a very happy and prosperous new year!
Hope the new year brings in all the fun and excitement in your life this coming year!

Do let us know as you strive to reach your goals in life....and be associated with one of the acclaimed universities in the western part of the globe someday! U never know we may be visiting you(and your family of course) one day if we ever happen to be around that side :-)
Cheers and Good Luck to you!

Dola.

----------Original Message----------------

Dear Chiru,

Thanks a lot for the wishes.

Do drop in sometime when you chance to visit Bangalore.


Belated Merry Christmas, advanced Happy New Year and Birthday wishes to you.

Have a cracking New Year ahead. Please convey my wishes to your family too.


Warm Regards,

Subhro



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: chirantan.chatterjee [mailto:chirantan.chatterjee@timesgroup.com]

Sent: Wednesday, December 29, 2004 9:14 PM
To: dola.banerjee@timesgroup.com; subhro kanto mukherjee
Subject: congrats and seasons greetings
Importance: High
Hi Dola and Subhro...
I just got to know about the happy news about your marriage from Dola. Wholesome congratulations from my side.
May you two find a new and lovely beginning in life. Wishes for a great new start to 2005.
Best,
Chirantan/Chiru.
Chirantan Chatterjee

ET Intelligence Group, The Economic Times,
The Times of IndiaBuilding, Dr D N Road
Mumbai - 400001 Bell - 022-56353976. Fax - 022-22731219.
Alternate Email - c_chatterjee@email.com
~~~~~~~~
""When you're on a journey, and the end keeps getting further and further away, then you realize that the real end is the journey."

To Maa and Raghu...and the Piyas and Gitas......

Wishing you all a merry christmas all of you, raghu and the piyas and the gitas....loveliests.


At one end, u lie and speak to me of my pasts...having vanished with time. No contacts despite the keen eagerness in me to get in touch. I fail to locate you. I fail cos perhaps i no longer have the intent. I am still like the rock which gets impounded by the waves wants to fall apart and give in to the hits.

Yet my resistances is so intrinsic a part of me, that i fail to dissolve into ground. I wait for my deliverance.


To the piyas of hungry tide or the gitas of swades, the fighting women who forgetting they need a partner work for a cause. Passionately as caringly as a mother does trying to bring up a child. To you all i dedicate 2004 Christmas ....

Maybe you are not listening to me, maybe u r too far away, to even have an inkling that here is someone thinking of you.

But i do. I do remember you all, think about u all, wish well for u all.

Wish u a merry christmas darlings......and before i end, may the silent night dawn on you enlightenment and peace......

`thechild.



Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!
Christ, the Saviour is born
Christ, the Saviour is born

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, love's pure light
Radiant beams from Thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth "

Mr Shetty in response to "Unnecessary Words"

Material world is immaterial to me
I console the soulless
Am selfish to selfless
'Cause I do not have selfness.

Unnecessary Words....

Unnecessary Words

Unnecessary Words they all are
When a child now grown meets a mother
She in expectation of the baby she once cuddled
Finding instead one who faces the world bare chest and eye to eye

Unnecessary Words they all are
When a love meets another when
At a corner of the world, Years down the line they meet
Life and eyes speaks everything that remained unspoken

Unnecessary words they all are
In the parents’ eyes holding a new born
Seeing the light of the world
Fruits of their unison to create a beautiful new world

Unnecessary words they all are
For the solitary rider who stopped at a wayside inn,
Shredded through a wild boar in one of the jungle nights
As he wades past a wide green field on a mild full-moon night

Unnecessary words they all are
For strangers in this world
Who exchange a known glance with an unknown eye
Without knowing if their will be a revisit

Unnecessary words they all are
As the corpse lies, eyes closed
Close ones crying around in bereavement
Or perhaps knowing that their end is inevitable too.

Silence is all I crave, words are all I abhor
Necessities are all I need, Wants I want to shun
Sleep is all I look forward to, walks I am tired of,
Where are you my world – that of Unnecessary words!

My Memories of Love will be of You.......

Perhaps Love Lyrics




Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don`t know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel

For some a way of living
For some a way to feel

And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don`t know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it`s cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go

And some say love is everything
And some say they don`t know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it`s cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

These days in life...

Its a silent toil. Hopefully for Ithacas in future...heres a poem sent by a teacher from joka....lovely!!

Ithaca


When you set out on your journey to Ithaca,
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon -- do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path,
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.
Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.

Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.


Constantine P. Cavafy (1911)

Same old Rains but its a lonely Home

the sun still sets here...
it sets on the national highway enroute the dusty tracks..
the sugarcrane trucks still block the speeding dehradum/hardwar busses on theway...
there is a queer fresh cold perfumed feeling in the soil ...
when it rains here just at the beginning of winters....
the halogens still decorate the bride...in its subtle hues..
civil lines still has snack point...still has student's corner, cambridge, themandir, and the queues of punju shaadis of 'aaj mere bhai ke shaadi hain'..
there is still the 7 rupee old lassee at the end of a walk ...
vicky still reigns with his new stocks....he says he remembers us every now n then...do we believe in him!
there is a refurbished satkar these days with four beautiful faces of nescafemodels....decorating its precincts..
for a change i find women far more beautiful than they had been when we wereyoung ...
the enc tower still looms large ...the lawns r manicured...the department of management studies is in a huge newbuilding...
our rooms still remain the same..so does uges or the tennis courts...they all are there...
raining today with me on them however are their hiddentears...
tears of a soul whos returned to find oneself alone in his home...am in roorkee .......

Yahin woh jagah hain...
Yahin woh fizayein
Yahin par kabhi aap hum se mile the

Inhe hum bhala kis tarah bhul jaaye
Yahin par kabhi aap hum se mile the...

Yahin par mera haath...
haathon mein lekar....
kaabhi naa bichaarne ka wadaa kiya tha..

Sadaa ke liye ho gaaye hum tumhare
Gale se lagakar humhe yeh kahaa tha...


Kaabhi tum naa hoge humhare wafaayein
Yahin par kaabhi aap hum se mile the

Yahin woh jagah hain...
Yaahin woh fizaayein
Yahin par kaabhi aap hum se mile the

Yahin par wafaa kaa naya rang bhar ke
Banaye thi chahat ki tasveer hi tumne
Yaahin ke bahaaron se fulon ko chumkar
Sawari ki ulfat ki taqdeer tumne

Woh din aapko yaad kaise dilaaye...
Yahin par kaabhi aap hum se mile the

Yahin woh jagah hain...
Yahin woh fizayein
Yahin par kaabhi aap hum se mile the...

Small men. Shortlived men. Today there, tomorrow gone, thats what we all are. And yet it feels good. Feels good to get people's appreciation. To get noticed in the crowd. A yearning ...for which there are no answers....but it provides that momentary fame to glory.

Thats what this job gives. Flyer space. People ringing up and saying good story. Was the story good. 18 or perhaps more months into this job and my first flyer story in ET, an individual effort, that comes out of a dull,lonely sunday afternoon...When i sat in front of TV and watched the hordes of CAT aspirants lining up for an exam which i Know with the grace of 'force' not so long back had come across too..

That delhi morning. Cold. Me sitting decked in woollens. Knowing not where life will take me to. The exams came and went. The results came and went. So did the two years in one of the country's most venerable names. And now its 18 months into a job which has given me lots.

Yesterday evening i was thinking how this organisation has come to be a maai-baap to me. It has sustained my passion to whatever extent possible. Given me money for monthly schedules. Name and people who know me now, in whatever way that might be.

It has also given me two loves. The one love who came and went by and refused to accept it. The other that came, accepted it, but then closed lids of life. Reducing and leaving me into a bundle of passionless individual.

Is that a toast to life! When life comes to a full circle on 23rd of Nov, the story comes out on flyer space, and then one also finds that your 'loves' the ones from whom you have moved on in life, are looking back and trying to get back to that bridge which we had left in shambles.

Strange deja vu isnt it!

This is a test of you, baba lokenath i know, the test that tomorrow will be another plain day in office, evening i shall leave for delhi, and then columbia the phd university where i would most prefer to go would arrive.

I might end up, in not applying, sticking to the deadline. Might end up in just meeting up people, collecting transcripts, but staying back in this.

Sometimes i feel like that dog, which i saw a few weeks back, trapped in that gutter. Ekeing itself out of the wrench of dirt. Just not managing to. I need to get out, my Force above, praying to you to give me the levelheadedness....the maturity to appreciate that all this is.....

Just Dust in the wind......the wind which blows from one place to another leaving scars on the soil, eroded traces on the land.


Yahin woh jagah hain...
Yahin woh fizayein
Yahin par kabhi aap hum se mile the

"Tomorrow Never Dies..."

Or perhaps they do...just about a year back it was diwali here in bombay. It was blazing in the night skies, crackers and all, and i was all alone. People with whom i was staying had gone with their friends to enjoy diwali. I was waiting in office to get a round up from my paper's editor as to why he found my work not to be satisfactory enough!

A year has gone by, not the Venus like year on Earth terms, where 200 odd earth years, make up one, but a year mundane in its existence of the seasons and the months and the same people and the same work has gone by.

I am sitting again on a diwali evening on the same computer, writing up my blog. Well tis one is for new for i am sure but then its a great company.

Tomorrow never dies...or perhaps they do.


People are leaving my work place in drones. Exit modes. I am here thinking that well i will be able to do justice to my dreams of a phd, by applying properly. The laptop thing is stuck again, now i have even stopped bickering about it. It will come when it has to come.

Nice mails, from known unknown faces on the eve of diwali...fail to spur me up. last night father's broken voice almost awakened me up to a realisation that i got to be mature and not talk to him as if he is my shield in my life, professionally or money wise all the time. I kept myself shut abt the buying plans or the money that will flow out of my cofferrs in the coming days.

3 days of holidays, i am sure they will pass in a whisker.
- Some of my friends are busy preparing for their marriage.
- Some others are trying to settle out life by shifting from one vehicle (read jobs) to another.
- Some others still planning up to go home catch up on old times.
- SOme other have decided to move on to a getaway. With familiar or unfamiliar faces. How does familiarity matter anyways.

And me, am i special, i wonder, have decided to treat life pretty much in a routine manner. Interesting naa! well lets hope i can do justice to my applications, to my writing, to my plans for settling out my finances and buys and keep a cheer on my face.

Wish u a lot of happy, diwali, dhanteras, kalipujo, bhaifhota, bhai dhuj etc...all the festivities and occasions galore that mark this time of the year in India.

So long then adios my dear mate.

`theevolvingchild

The Magnificent out of the Mundane

Well shud that be the name of this jotting down. The 13 day long trip is over. It is so ironical that 13 the number forms such a huge part of my life.

The trip back home was momentous, the kinds one shud remember for a lifetime. The flight detour, the neck sprain, the train cancellations at howrah, waiting for the right one, getting up on the local to durgapur finally reaching 'home sweet home' on a day which we bengalis call the oshtomi, but any outsider would term as a day of utter chaos in the daily routine of life.

The green rice fields that i crossed on the way from burdwan to durgapur, all had a feeling of being so close to me, so known to me, that nothing seemed to have changed an iota in the returning back.

Nothing perhaps ever changes at one's home though to an unbiased observer it perhaps does.

Pujos were not exceptional. The rants from home to get married, more so from dear mother has risen. How can i make her understand everything of myself. And a result being me remaining silent, she saying i have become so reserved n stuff.

The late night jaunts to the pandals were good, but i enjoyed best the ride to asansol driving the car. The highway be it from durgapur to asansol or from texas to arizona has i guess the same feel, the same melody of always being on the move.

On one of the weekdays i visited Joka the institute from which i did my so called postgraduation degree. THings hadnt changed there too, faced had, the same profs still teach, i was left wondering if this is what i am aiming at doing, where from will i usher in the new on each and every day of life.

Back to Durgapur then, trying to keep mom darling's every little urging within the possible limits. Then it was time to come back again to Cal, to board the flight. Oh yes my home, my town doesnt have an airlifting facility, so obviously the nearest metro gets the credit.

Yesterday night before coming back i visited Belur. The same old house where a large part of my childhood in holidays used to be spent. The house which once was a vibrant gathering of my grandfathers n grandmothers now housed by their remnant of memories books, old clothes, torn tube lights and rags, earthen pots and two souls residing still. My youngest grandpa and my eldest grandma.

Enroute to the house as i took a rickshaw, i managed to enjoy the cherished view of a simple young bengali couple, walking back, perhaps from the tuitions of the evenings as they strive to complete their education. Oh what an effort their was to harness the magnificent in their most mundane of togetherness...and Also this leading on to nothing but a solitary existence like Didibhai baa chotodadu, at the end of life.

The child is back back from the glory of home, the belongingness of the rice fields, the rights of ownership of every small nook and corners of the town where he had grown up to an alien world, where his existence is but a matter of routine and nothing more.

What did i realise in all this! Did i imbibe anything in particular.

I cant talk about realisations but surely can walk you through some of the moments i will savour in this trip.

- The journey back, the air travel, the road travel, the travel over the hooghly to howrah station, it was all that i have left behind to embark on this life.

- The desperate tears that came out early morn as i left house early morning to catch the train to calcutta. I dont know, the last time i cried like that was seven years back when i left home for roorkee. Is this something for a move ahead, the sign of a further longer time till i can ever get back to my 'Own Corner' in this world.

- The sitting with bhatta dear, at the babughat ferryghat, over an abandoned steamer, decked in rusted iron and all other by products of industrialisation, as we two watched the sun set, the skies getting ruddier, the river flowing, the breeze serenading us on our cheeks as we crossed over to the other side of the hooghly. The old and the new Howrah Bridge were watching us, like the doormen in front of a house who know of everything thats going on inside but never utter a word of opinion about the same. How stolid isnt it!

- Finally, the early morning cal ride today as i came to the airport. the air jerky, kalipujo time setting in, the people still the same, they happy loitering around in their most mundane existence...

And me now back to eke out something more magnificent out of the mundane lives that we all live here.

Lovely lines from sister darling!

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you, right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way.

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Flames, Pauses, Despair and Truffles

I don’t know why I am doing this again
Perhaps to relieve a bit of my pain
Perhaps to replace the fact that you won’t call me tonight
Perhaps to give myself some company in this lonely night
When all that shares my solitude is the music
And the peering light of the lamp which
Gives a halo over the keys on the board
You won’t ever read this poem I know,
How I dream of adding a ‘perhaps’ here too,
But this one I want to keep to myself
My love, today I want to confess to you, and so
If there is any pretence, even an iota of falsity,
Rise up and bury me in your fury,
I will love the warmth the flames as they rage in their act of decimation.

We are now into almost the tenth month of knowing each other
Last December, when you were in the city
Would you not have wished that life take a better turn?
You getting a good partner for life, one who loves and cares,
Not too much perhaps like the one love you lost,
But surely as much to keep the strands of living flowing
Another year has gone by
Nothing has changed, life remains at those same origins,
I am sure when I have not been at your side,
You would have shed your tears, silently,
The ones which are the remnants of the floods
That used to usher through maybe some years back.
Life has taught you enough, hasn’t it?
How you wish you hadn’t been this eager a learner,
Picking up the shreds and yet marching through
With smiles and gallops that are so much a part of you

I don’t know why I am doing this again
Perhaps to relieve a bit of my pain
Perhaps to replace the fact that you won’t call me tonight
Perhaps to give myself some company in this lonely night
If there is any pretence, even an iota of falsity,
Rise up and bury me in your fury,
I will love the decimation in the warmth of your flames.







Where do I start this writing, I even don’t know how to end it,
If there is an end, that is written for us,
And for once I don’t want to construe up a story here
Not this time even if it means that the written word shall remain incomplete,
For your face’s sake, that face, which the last time I saw,
In the station waiting for me, trying to hide
The likeability that ushered in on seeing me,
With a surface dislike as if it was ‘me’
Who made you wait for the next train!
That is the face I will dedicate this piece to,
Lips clenched with teeth, eyes glittering
Just the slightest bit despite the sadness,
Occasional strands of hair flowing through,
And you in crumpled cloth, that’s the face that I will dedicate my flames to.

Perhaps to relieve a bit of my pain
Perhaps to replace the fact that you won’t call me tonight
Perhaps to give myself some company in this lonely night
If there is any pretence, even an iota of falsity,
Rise up and bury me in your fury,
I will love the warmth of your flames of decimation
I don’t know why I am doing this again

Well, whoever has met you has found in you nothing
That might be a good enough reason for me being shaken so much,
Either eyes they lacked or you my hideous lady, Kept it only for me to see,
Why did you open your curtains in front of me?
Yes now I don’t have any sentences to write,
But perhaps desperate tears, an ululation,
To give you back, right now. Are you listening?
My lady of yellow polka, muslin hair, and cotton touch?
Why did you take the onus on yourself?
To turn this boy into a man, Or is that you think your mission on earth,
To cuddle up to boys, with the small girl in you
And then give them ‘mother’s love’ and finally like the true mother
desert them for the world to grope with the man that
Came out of your womb, but I can’t forget your dark womb,
Your neck which opened up to my first kiss
Comes back to me, your wide back
Draped with cloth that offered itself
To my tentative palms and five fingers of both hands,
My tired shoulders on the beach getting your soft massage,
I miss it all, my lady.
It is so difficult not to force myself,
Not to intrude and offer you my hand,
To accept that for this young boy all those pauses were just despairs!

If there is any pretence, even an iota of falsity,
Rise up and bury me in your fury,
I will love the warmth of your flames of decimation.
I don’t know why I am doing this again
Perhaps to relieve a bit of my pain
Perhaps to replace the fact that you won’t call me tonight
Perhaps to give myself some company in this lonely night

Truffles of hope, that’s all I have with me these days
That without me ever being able to get across to you,
You will come back to me
I never can be your first love, nor your last,
But I would be really glad with the in-between space
That your soul would surely have saved for me.
And you, the woman, as much an elder sister which I have none,
It’s been seven years now since I left mom and sis at home,
Searching for you, the woman of my life,
My little sis, my elder sis, my mother all in one,
And to add to that my woman of dreams
Do I call you my love, which sounds so trivial today?
But if there was a meaning to that word,
Perhaps it is you, for me it is you, you are you
Just once, once, dear come cry on my shoulders,
I will just run my fingers through your hair,
You can lie down and sleep, or keep crying the whole night,
I will stay with you I pledge,
Without you, ahead of you, beyond you
Life will not be so very difficult to live,
Yet such a different dimension to digest
That for now I will douse my flames,
My pauses of vacant despairs,

With hopes that comes to me in small truffles
Perhaps to relieve a bit of my pain
Perhaps to replace the fact that you won’t call me tonight
Perhaps to give myself some company in this lonely night
If there is any pretence, even an iota of falsity,
Rise up and bury me in your fury,
I will love the warmth of your flames
Despite they coming from your womb spelling my decimation.

In Love with my side Pillow.

It was about seven years back when i left home and its lovely contours. The way it used to caress me in my sleep, preventing my fall from the bed. Dark into the nights, my side pillow was my best friend whom i left and ventured out from home.


Its been seven years now since that day, that day when i cried like a child, leaving maa and sis, leaving the rice and fish at home, the casualness and security that every child is ensconced with at home.

This weekend i was back with it. At a friend's place there was a spare one. It felt like bliss sleeping that night at this bed. The bed was a commoner, on the ground a head pillow, but then the side pillow took me back to my love of yore.

These are days of adulthood. Or as they say of realising responsibilities. Realising that perhaps in life, there are only moments of leaping, before one comes to realise that settling down is the safest option one can take. I got my increment today. Without even thinking of it, i am amazed how people at workplace have taken it so seriously.

I am taken back to Sanyal's thoughts on this. How so often do people fall a prey to externalities, fail to erect their own realistic benchmarks and work in tandem with that. Increments, comparisons, lesser or more than a colleague and you can see the cloud around their face.

Isnt it so obvious that in economic terms the demand from an employer perhaps would never match the supply given by an employee. Had it been so then salaries would never have existed, in the first place, the price points at which market places of jobs would have settled down. Jobs would never have been swapped, and people would never say as an employee that "i deserved more" and employers would still settle on "you could have done better."

It is this classic case of information assymetry that thrives the world of today. The world of competitions and comparisons, where everyone is benchmarked with somebody external, not an effort being made to benchmark the individual with his own inherent talent. The thought is that if you put a product in a market place, then facing competition, the heat of excelling colleagues, people will automatically raise their bar. Not an effort is made to appreciate the inherent strengths of the people.

Anyways, thankfully in the last twelve hours since increment was handed out, i have managed to stay out of this bandwagon of comparisons and sadness and for those who got better ones, discreet joys. What's the use of this joy anyway, even if i get an increment which i can share with anyone.

Well, that they say is adulthood. Realising that perhaps there is no side pillow in life, only the head pillows, sometimes not even that, or the cushioning mattress to support your frame.

A long time since i have written anything. Its not been any exciting time all this while. but somewhere, deep down, i feel the pinch of the rock. The rock who is getting inured from all these externalities, and getting ready for the next big leap. May the force and you my friend be with me always for this new journey that i am about to embark in life.

Amen....

`thechild.

--- The Time ---

There is a time in everybody's life, when he sits in a closed room, which has a sprinkling of moonlight peeping through, the flame in your hand, and the music filling the room with a strange beautitude.

That is the time when one wants to cry his or her heart out. Especially when songs like "Heaven only Knows" is being reverberated around the corners of the four walls. That was the time for me last night.

ALone, i tried to cry. But the efforts were in vain. Not an iota or a droplet seeped through. In frustation i took up my pen. My ink. Wanted to desperately write something. And the only poem that came out was "My tears have dried up now".

Sometimes i start thinking, that how come others, get all the good luck in the world. How come my work goes unrecognised. Come on, did i give enough. Or am i chasing things expecting that with moderate levels of effort, benchmarked with external indices i will get the returns of others.

That has never been my way. Performance is quite unlinked with rewards in my scheme of things. Dadu bolto shob shomoy, kormonye vaa dheekarasthe maa faleshu kadachan.

Its that time of my life when i should wake up, start the walk again. the walk defined by my own path. my own benchmarks my own dreams.

Lets do it again, buddy, for a change irreverent to what is happening outside.

TIll then as the spanish say, un abrazo to all..a hug to all.

cheers n love.
`thechild

"Abt a generation that cannot love".....

sorry buddy, its been some time since my last post on ur surface. pardon me. i wont give any excuse, but yes i will write out whatever happened all this time.

and i shud start with the best thing that happened to me in some time. thats the admission of sister...yep, dear lil sis got admitted at last to cal universities' post graduate course in molecular biology. thank u unknown force, i am sure u r taking her to her right direction. Thanks big time indeed!

what else is happening in life! nothing really. nothing at all.

but yes i title todays posting with the above because of the deep conversation we had, with ketan...is he right, i dont know, i dont want to think abt it, too many things rite now ard me, than my shoulder can handle...

"for the generation that cannot love"...heres wishing u a big thumbs up...from a sociological concept i think i belong to the gesselschaft more than to the gemeinschaft....


Gemeinschaft is an association in which individuals are oriented to the large association as much if not more than to their own self interest.

Gesellschaft Gesellschaft on the other hand describes associations in which, for the individual, the larger association never takes on more importance than individual self interest, and lack the same level of shared mores. Gesellschaft is maintained through individuals acting in their own self interest.

All abt the 'F' word.

There are days. When all that u can think of uttering is the F word. the F word and the F word. Today is one such day. Had been out on a meeting, with a colleague, a highly irritating chap. I dont understand how he keeps managing to talk all the while. Sense nonsense, shit bull shit he doesnt even care at all.

Worst of all, or perhaps best of all, he takes the privilege of chalking the history of life. And also the right to my way of life. I wonder, sometimes, how did god give me so much patience to listen to all of it. ALL OF IT AND STAY MUM.

Just mum. its not worth it. The crowd, the trains, the life, the people who perhaps talk more than they ever should, because thinking would make them insecure about the lives they are living. It is not worth it.

Its all about the F word. Really really got to do something about it.


`thechild.

"If you miss the train i am on, You will know that i am gone, you can hear the whistle blow ..a hundred miles....."

Yes thats the song which starts my day. Last night while surfing through the web i landed up some lovely kafka lines, one of them i picked up and made my signature. it says, " " From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached."

I dont know, perhaps will never know what is that point. But my research on death, and death by wish, on thanatos, cryptos and hypnos, seems to be in the right path to "understanding".

Anyways, what a day it was, besides the regular "coming to office and going back" schedule, i went back, washed the utensils, got the fish and stuff, cooked, ate cleaned up, despite i knowing that any moment if i stopped my wish to keep it going, i would drop dead. Is that what Kipling meant when he said, " If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew, and serve your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on, when there is nothing in you, except the will which says to you hold on. "


Dunno, morning i wake up as i wished to on time, at 7 in the morning, it was a surprise, maybe the tiredness of the whole day's schedule got me a good sleep in the night, and it meant that waking up was not a problem. Rings up the help maid saying she wont be able to come. THats the first piece of good news, i got to hear to start the day with. It means today will be another struggle. Another of those routines, of every minute thing on your own. Gotta keep my calm all of today and tomorrow and day after and likewise.

On the train, meeting PB, and talkign to him abt batchmates where they are was good. Alighting found her alighting too, i am sure she noticed me as much as i had noticed her, but then, despite the initial flutters, i think i am steady.

This space of mine is a good friend. I gotta finish the doc for sister and that is about the major work that of day, beyond the routine schedule of writing this and that and this and that.

Think chirantan, think, think hard, and try to justify your worth of being and doing what you love most -- writing, you wont get a second chance.

That is it, for the morning, dunno if i will be coming back in the evening, but then i am sure this space would be there with me, wont you be, dear friend:)

`thechild.

"Waltz for the Lonely"

Why did i feel so lonely last night. I fear more than its recurrence, its happening in the first place. Why did i feel so lonely in the first place at all!

Loneliness is actually a virtue, but soumya was right when i met him last night, after some how many years i myself will find it difficult to calculate.

He is still almost the same man. Except that his farts have mellowed down considerably, he speaks these days of his dreams, of things he is or isnt doing, but with considerable circumspection. And beyond that he gives some lovely thoughts.

Its like as he himself said, "he has outgrown his age" in the same time we have both lived on earth.

Soumya is my old time school friend, one of the most interesting guys one can find around, yet not the professionally succesful person as we will like to define an individual with. Here i etch up on this space some of his thoughts of last night.


On Life and its dilemma.

-- " i fight like a rubber band between two things. One which i believe in, the other which i dream in. My dreams have taken a backseat, and realities are carving my beliefs. Belief that materialism is the be all and end all of the world. and dreams that yes somehow someday i will do something phenomenal for which i was sent for here on this earth."

On his wife, Moumita, and her love.

-- "She is one of the most innocent and conservative woman i have ever come across. Gives me sticks all through the day, looks at me with dreamy eyes when i rattle off my global and perhaps never realisable ambitions, and still believes in me. What do i do, but not to stay with her for a lifetime!" Isnt that what it is....


On Kafka and existensialism

-- He quoted from a Kafka line, "She withdrew from me her fingers. Behind i could hear the whistle of a train, and I was reminded of my childhood."


On Love and Women

-- "Marry somebody atleast 5-6 year younger to yourself chiru. It helps, for people like us, who are anyways quite ahead of our similar aged males in our thoughts. A same aged girl finds that difficult to believe. And hence all the friction. When you marry somebody that young you will see a flower bloom, and be there like the gardener to take care of it, so that its petals dont wither and fall of. It is one of the highest kicks you can get in your lifetime."

-- " Women are encroaching by nature. Bengali women more so because of their very nature. Even bengali males are. For example if you marry a Punju woman, then when she returns home at the same time as you, and then rings up some colleague repeatedly, you inadvertently would be asking, who is it. Encroachment, unnecessary concern is in the way we bongs are all brought up."


On Me

-- "You are not yet materialistic dear. I appreciate that so much still in you. Your profile of being the doctor among us friends, prescribing friends with appropriate medicines, still remains. You were the middle path guy, no risks, good boy, and how come you have shifted lines, from engineering to mba to journalism! Perhaps you are still on a path of discovery, and you have no plans." I have plans soumya, but somehow i am not rigid to them. As ratul told me once, and i so very sincerely know its true, "all does come out even at the end of the day, all comes out even, even more when all the days are over."

On him and his dreams.

-- This is my thought, "Soumya, you are trying to spin a business out of the adage that "perception is a reality". Your demand forces are perceptions, your supply forces are perception, and yet the reality is your business. Perhaps you will make a lot of money from it, but then is that what u wanted. I know you dont. What more can i say to you, but wish you luck, and that i will be there, in whatever best possible way to help you out.


On me and cherished memories

-- "My most cherished memory of life, is how you cried, when i left for Delhi." I fail to remember it, for i cry for everybody. Not many stay back like you have done. I appreciate that initiative to bind up the lost linkages.



Returning back home, it was lonely. People whom i knew from the past, Rajarshi for example have completely dissappeared into oblivion. others are doing a host of other things, Sandeep is in South Korea marrying, Sandipan, planning to be an art director after his bcom, ecom mass com and arts history courses, soumyadeep, no news, ani, languishing in his iflex job a pity isnt it, and nisheet still "discovering" as soumya so rightly said. I think that is fine. Life should be a discovery, not a lonely feeling. There is so much to see, so much to know, liek that guy Afsar who came along with Soumya yday night. Am sure he has an interesting history. But that should remain bottled for some other day.


Thats the update for today. Life does go on, but with the laptop at home things should get more organised.

Sometimes i think its so easy to slip off. To end up like Soumya, wandering. We started from the same origins and bases, how environs guide or misguide us.


That is about it. Take care my child. When life gets lonely, take a deep breath, and remember people from the past, people who formed so much of your existence, but have ever since been overtaken by others in their places due to proximity and convenience and your own bohemian nature.


The waltz will go on...as much for the lonely, as much for the accompanied children of the world.

`thechild.

its easy to be good with good men...not so easy to be good with bad men

yup...thats what mom repeatedly said to me...last saturday night...and where was i? sitting in goa, on an official trip, riding on an organisation's money and the ET brand name to enjoy my time.

the jacuzzi in the hotel was awesome! so was the peace in the environs..i think the best part of goa is the irreverence with which it exists..it has its own pace, its own pristine beauty, nothing is hurried there, the seas roll along the beaches, the fish sellers sell their stuff, everybody is so blissfully satisfied with their existence.

but the jacuzzi reminded me of the well where we used to have our childhood baths back in belur at grandpa's place. how lives change isnt it, sometimes i wonder about my people back home, and the kind of existence they have, am i getting away from all of them becos of these stuff.

anyways, talking to maa was a revelation..shes really really a darling, no two doubts about it...one she said she was talking to me, while looking at my childhood pic, so true isnt it, i might be grown up to the world, to my mom i am still the toddler..its so true! and then, she talked about the fact, when i used to be "always happy"...i knew that there was this existence of mine, cavalier, and carefree, but then life has made me quite introvertish isnt it! that essentially means i am allowing my spirit to be overawed by the externalities...no way, gotta get back to old ways. and then finally, she said those lovely words taking a cue from baba, how its so easy to be good with good men, but not that easy to be good with bad men...

i think the essence in that is the fact that one has a tremendous belief in oneself, in one's domain of activity, thus not needing to take crutch from anybody else! so that means, good or bad, people are always people, shared organisms with whom we exist in this world..and finally, who r we to make judgements about the choices to be good or bad others have made in life...quite cool thought that was...


thats abt it in this blog update. returning back from goa, i laid out my place, the kitchen n stuff are done, i think i need to settle out my financial outgoings and life is going to take the trudge ahead..

profs whom i am mailing say that i have impressive credentials for a phd. but does that matter. i think what matters is the walk, and i gotta take it, for there is this quite deep urge in me to give it all away, and to float around in life, just becos "all comes out even at the end of the day"....but given that i am my kinds, and i would need my peaceful sleep at the end of life, i need to do justification to my existence and abilities.

more focus, more planning, better control..and life will move along. gotta tell sis that while 83.4 % is a good percentile to start fighting for the CAT preps, yet its not the end of the road. in cat preps u dont benchmark with history or with competition, u benchmark only with urself. try to assess that u r giving ur best, and finally, that u r able to recreate ur bestest in those 2 hrs of exams...

at the very end...the lyrics of this song by bobby mcferrin.



Here's a little song, I wrote
I might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy
Every life we has some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy ho…
(Don't worry, be happy yeah)
Uh uh uh uh don't worry be happy….(4x)
I arco place who lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy
The land lord say your rent is late
Hey may have to lit the gate
Don't worry, be happy (look at me I'm happy)
Uh uh…,don't worry, be happy
(I give you my phone no.
When you worried call me
I make you happy) oh…
Don't worry, be happy
Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
In gumble gull to make you smile
But don't worry, be happy
Coz when you worry your face will frown
In that will bring everybody damn
So don't worry, be happy…(5x)

Now then, this song I wrote
I hope you learn it note for note
(Like good to children) don't worry, be happy
Listen to what I say in your life inspect some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy........

The fall and the Charge....

Today's writings are on the expedition of the morning. It was blissfully raining all the night as i and bhatta chatted along on life and its trappings. we surely dont know when we slept, but then waking up, it was only the sound of falling rain outside.

i wanted to get out early, but as is usual to me, laziness overcame me. soon i had a jolt after bhatta left early, and then i thot okay honey, lets move. came out i, draped in the windcheater, and the umbrella, on the auto with dubeyji to bandra.

interesting person he was, talking about life from jaunpur, and the fact that he wanted to join the army and how life took a twist at the final hurdle. yet he dropped me safe n sound in bandra station and there despite my cautiousness in the soggy floorings of the platform i slipped and fell on the stairs in the crowd the rains n in my own overcautiousness....

that is where i felt like "what a fall it was my countrymen..." as mark anthony might have said then. infact i think it was a reminder to me from up above that even if i am aiming for a cnn award, i shudnt focus on the award but on the integrity of my writings. good reminder buddy, i know u r always there with me.

hence the fall was peaceful.


---------------
Ingratitude, more strong than traitors' arms,
Quite vanquish'd him: then burst his mighty heart;
And, in his mantle muffling up his face,
Even at the base of Pompey's statua,
Which all the while ran blood, great Caesar fell.
O, what a fall was there, my countrymen!
Then I, and you, and all of us fell down,
Whilst bloody treason flourish'd over us.
--------------------



so from there in the rains, half outside my torso getting drenched in the churchgate i moved. humming came naturally to me then, i was singing, "dil yeh jo sapno mein aaya"....and then it so happened that at marine lines station i guess i had this weird feeling as if like i am on an expedition and this was just nothing..an expedition like king solomon's mines story....

from there reached churchgate, and there the cab guy was an equally blessed one like me, his door handle had been knocked off in the morning, and i said to him, good that we two met up, means the rest of the day will be great for both of us. he said a lovely lines, "sab uparwalaa ke lenaa yaa dena hain, isiliye koi bhi nuksaaan yeh gains par kaabhi jyada khush yaa dukhi nahin honi chahiye." vaah saahaab, kya lavz hain, didnt they sound so much like kipling, when he said,
"If you can meet triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same."

so off we, as in my body, drenched, fighting to reach office, and my soul, which was wandering around where i dont know, but surely in the monsoons of mumbai, into office.

entering a colleague asks me, why the trains had stopped. how can people ask such questions i sometimes wonder...but then i reasoned it out with the following lines from this poem....

"Forward, the Light Brigade!"
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Someone had blunder'd:
Their's not to make reply,
-----Their's not to reason why,-------
Their's but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.



So there it is the Fall and the charge...lifes going to be interesting for sure i can smell it around me.

adios ....
`thechild.

------------
I'll never let you see
The way this broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride
And I know how to hide
All the sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain
If I wait for cloudy skies
You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You'll never know
That I still love you so
Though the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Raindrops falling from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
Raindrops falling from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you never see
Some day when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But 'til then darling you'll
Never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
To hide these tears I hope you never see
Some day when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But 'til then darling you'll
Never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Raindrops falling from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you never see
Some day when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But 'til then darling you'll
Never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the... rain...
----------------



Yesterday my shifting was complete. After 25 years of living with a variety of relations, mother and father, sister and friends, flatties and everybody else, at long last, there is a corner in this world where i am on my own.

It was a peculiar feeling. While i anticipated ecstasy to engulf me, i found it was quite contrary in reality. On one hand, the place, with its cosiness seems to have showered on my first home coming ever since i have been travelling the last 7 years, once i got out of home on my way to roorkee.

On the other hand, this place was more in the striving for getting a better control on life. To plan out better for the turbulences and travel ahead. Maa said it nicely, yday night when she gave me a ring. She was expressing her fears about how far and how wide and how long would i like to keep this bohemian existence going.

How can i help it was my initial refrain? But then, i think i can, if i want to -- right now i dont want to be very frank. As a result, i think this new place should be the ideal launcher for a new peaceful life.

Starting life anew, didnt i say that yday. Yes life anew it has to be. With better control on yourself. There is a whole host of things to do in this new place. But i guess it would be nice. Planning life ahead. Building up a house just like writing a novel. And with the laptop in life should be better too despite the loneliness.

That is about it for the day...hoping to be back soon.

`thechildstayingsolitaryandblissfullyalone.

Loneliness....

My state of mind....through this poem by Rainer Maria Rilke...

Loneliness....


Being apart and lonely is like rain.
It climbs toward evening from the ocean plains;
from flat places, rolling and remote, it climbs
to heaven, which is its old abode.
And only when leaving heaven drops upon the city.

It rains down on us in those twittering
hours when the streets turn their faces to the dawn,
and when two bodies who have found nothing,
dissapointed and depressed, roll over;
and when two people who despise eachother
have to sleep together in one bed-

that is when loneliness receives the rivers...

Mumbai is raining like crazy....

An attribute of the nature which almost calls me to go out and drench myself. Its been a long time since i have updated my lil space here. Lil because i created this more out of a fascination about this world.

Its just turning out that it will be my best companion in the end.

Long time isnt it. Ashish and Sur came and went and what a jolly good time we had. Its true that inhibitions inculcated in our ordinary individual lives made it difficult to strike base.

But it was real fun sleeping with sur and ashish in the same room. Or talking to them, or they really getting to my head and easing off the pain of loneliness.

The best part was the way i found sur and ashish have developed into their own true selves. Ashish for example genuinely surprised me with the depth of his thoughts. The catch though is although he evoked sentences like "try enjoying your solitude" it seemed quite apparent to both of us, that life for him has been quite difficult.

Smriti gone, and now Aafia too. Desperation creeped into his voice when i mentioned we all learn from our own experiences. How long they both shrieked. Well i too dont know, perhaps i am more a learner than them, nothing satiates me than the feeling of having learnt something new out of any endeavour in life. I always feel so much to learn, so much to see, that even when i die perhaps i will still be a complete novice.


Life has moved on in pretty fast gears in other aspects to. The woman from Jan to July in my life is dissappearing. i can see the back of her fast vanishing car, with no pain, but perhaps relief. Which brings me to the essential question, are relationships not what i really am made for! Is it that being solitary, alone, one the best part i love doing in life.

Tomorrow i will shift to a new house, a completely lonely existence, after having lived for 25 years with somebody or the other in life. I know living alone is tough, but then this should be a good solidifying experience.

There is nothing much else in life these days! Relief is flowing through from sister's end, with her having atlast got some reward for her perseverence. She should get a good college for her masters, about her marriage though i initiated the process, and firmly believe that people should get married early if possible, yet i sometimes shudder at the thought of life in our family without her! She has been the epitome of the other face in our lives...what happens when she goes. like a true elder bro perhaps i will kiss her and wish her luck on the new journey with somebody else in life and then hope that as it normally happens, distancing doesnt occur. But then that is so normal isnt it! nobody remains, for anybody. once sis is gone, the responsibility of staying close to maa and baba shall increase, long term thoughts all of these, but still lifes shaping up for a change, and i the child is going deeper and deeper into hiding.

Emerging in its place is a solid man, whos a man by the way, the one that kipling says or the one who is always a restless learner.


Life is lovely these days. The monsoons are a delicious delight in mumbai, despite the compounding of life and commutation. Somehow they to me are a blessing in this otherwise so humdrumy kind of city.

Perhaps a new watershed in life too! who knows...u the one reading it, me the one writing it, or HIM the one watching it.

The truth is that, "truth sits on the lips of dying men" as mathew arnold said, and for once something in me is dying, something else is taking its place in return.

More later.............

`thegrowingchild.

Just like a Woman

Well well....the operative words arrow marked.



-----------



Nobody feels any pain
---->Tonight as I stand inside the rain
Ev'rybody knows
That Baby's got new clothes
----->But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls.
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman
---->But she breaks just like a little girl.

----> Queen Mary, she's my friend
----> Yes, I believe I'll go see her again
Nobody has to guess
That Baby can't be blessed
Till she sees finally that she's like all the rest
With her fog, her amphetamine and her pearls.
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
----> And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl.

It was raining from the first
And I was dying there of thirst
So I came in here
-----> And your long-time curse hurts
But what's worse
Is this pain in here
I can't stay in here
Ain't it clear that--

I just can't fit
Yes, I believe it's time for us to quit
When we meet again
Introduced as friends
----> Please don't let on that you knew me when
----> I was hungry and it was your world.
Ah, you fake just like a woman, yes, you do
You make love just like a woman, yes, you do
Then you ache just like a woman
----> But you break just like a little girl.

--------------

in a few days....

i will be living my first experience of staying alone in life. life is such a learner that i am waiting for this opportunity with bated breath. no amount of money being spent on this effort is deterring me from doing so.

i am afraid..but then evolution is just that ....i have never stayed alone, surrounded by friends but perhaps its about time to give ourselves a break, from anybody and everybody and give your own urself a lil time.

it doesnt demand much and in this rush for fake gold it deserves this much doesnt it! the soul bruised, standing still, bleeding, now the blod having clotted needs some pacifying ointment too...

lets c how this moves on...

Dont think twice its all right....

another set of lines..from Joan Baez.....
more later dear bloggie woggie.
love
the child.


----DONT THINK TWICE ITS ALL RIGHT ------------
It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don't matter, anyhow
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don't know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
Don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin' anyway
So don't think twice, it's all right

It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all righ

Come with me, I Said and No One Knew

Neruda....writes.

Come with me, I said, and no one knew
where, or how my pain throbbed,
no carnations or barcaroles for me,
only a wound that love had opened.

I said it again: Come with me, as if I were dying,
and no one saw the moon that bled in my mouth
or the blood that rose into the silence.
O Love, now we can forget the star that has such thorns!

That is why when I heard your voice repeat
Come with me, it was as if you had let loose
the grief, the love, the fury of a cork-trapped wine

the geysers flooding from deep in its vault:
in my mouth I felt the taste of fire again,
of blood and carnations, of rock and scald.


tis the birth centenary of this man, often called the saddest of men. we read his poems get poultices and ointments for our pains, but can anyof us do anything to the sorrows of his, that time experiences the world around had borne in him...

jotting down of moments.

sometimes i get ashamed of myself. my memories are getting shortlived and are building an inner system of priorities, sieving out the necessary ones and dunking the unnecessary ones.

i was never like this, since necessities are borne out of self interest and preservation, when was ever that a question to me! but perhaps life here the last 12 months has taught me that.


friday evening was such a momentous one.
whole of the day, i ran around and completed my first big assignment in et. anchoring, contributing, editing, designing laying out a 4 pager is never easy. more so it was never easy for me with no such experience. i thank the force above for staying with me and getting me through this, despite all the blues accompanying it.

evening when work was over, arjun and myself went for a lovely movie 'Laws of Attraction'. there were some lovely lines in the movie, more so in the plot. its a must see for anyone reading this blogspot.

i will always cherish those lines pierce brosnan says to julianne moore. ' i might be a divorce lawyer but i dont believe in divorce. u gotta fight for everything in life, especially for forged relationships like marriages. where do couples have the passion they suddenly incite among themselves once they file divorce. and yes, then came the lines 'i might be called old fashioned, but for a person i love, i shud be selfless enough to give what she wants...' it was a stunner. becos just at that pt the mobile phone on my pocket stirred.

i had kept it on the vibrator mode. i knew it was friday, the day she was getting engaged. i knew there was a chance she would forget me for ever post that. i knew too she loves me, and might never ever forget me too. its true i love her, but it would be hypocrisy to say, i never dreamt of a life with her. i just cudnt help if she cudnt visualise it together. but the mobile phone read "I got engaged today. Thanks for your good wishes."

Oh i could see efforts on her part to become formal with me, to forget whatever we have had, and i didnt want to be an impediment here. i prayed god give her the best moments of her life from now on, so what if it is without me. a few minutes down the line she rang, spoke, i didnt know how involved i shud get. after all there is another person in her life, to whom i wud be causing grave injustice. i tried to remain as nonchalant as i cud, and she well, what could she have done.

anyways, that was that fr friday evening, another phase of life over, another innings, time to take fresh guard, for what i know not! is it all worth it sometimes i wonder! my mom says it best, HE above takes all these tests, but how long. how long will we keep suffering ourselves.

in the night with my frd i had a big beer bash. i drank to my hearts bitter content. and i was smashed. i didnt have the nuts to return back, but return i did. took a bath and slept off, it was a blissful nights sleep, the stars above perhaps blessing us both, she with somebody else and me as of now alone.

saturday sunday minor events kept occuring, i didnt want to ring and bother her. am really clueless abt whatever will happen to sister alongside. she keeps msging those smses which speak of utter hopelessness in her voices. is there a way out! oh force, is there a way out!!!

and then over lunch today i got reports that shes back, and she doesnt look jolly, shes tired.
come on, i cudnt do this. she is not upbeat i gotta to take care of her i thot and rang her up...


as time goes on, i know i am doing things that have no rationale behind them. i was advised by my horoscope readers that i shud be compassionate and wise, compassionate i was, wise maybe i will never be able to with her...

anyways thats it for the day. ever since morning trying to wrap up home respos...finalising acco place and all the essentials self preservation details.

in the morning when i took the churchgate local, i think i faced life in a new vigour, handing with just a few fingers outside the compartment, and knowing that a minor shove here and there life is gone...

why preserve myself i was thinking..preserve i did. working in office i am. rung her up, i did.

and life with its moments will go on i know....

`thechild.

jotting down of moments.

sometimes i get ashamed of myself. my memories are getting shortlived and are building an inner system of priorities, sieving out the necessary ones and dunking the unnecessary ones.

i was never like this, since necessities are borne out of self interest and preservation, when was ever that a question to me! but perhaps life here the last 12 months has taught me that.


friday evening was such a momentous one.
whole of the day, i ran around and completed my first big assignment in et. anchoring, contributing, editing, designing laying out a 4 pager is never easy. more so it was never easy for me with no such experience. i thank the force above for staying with me and getting me through this, despite all the blues accompanying it.

evening when work was over, arjun and myself went for a lovely movie 'Laws of Attraction'. there were some lovely lines in the movie, more so in the plot. its a must see for anyone reading this blogspot.

i will always cherish those lines pierce brosnan says to julianne moore. ' i might be a divorce lawyer but i dont believe in divorce. u gotta fight for everything in life, especially for forged relationships like marriages. where do couples have the passion they suddenly incite among themselves once they file divorce. and yes, then came the lines 'i might be called old fashioned, but for a person i love, i shud be selfless enough to give what she wants...' it was a stunner. becos just at that pt the mobile phone on my pocket stirred.

i had kept it on the vibrator mode. i knew it was friday, the day she was getting engaged. i knew there was a chance she would forget me for ever post that. i knew too she loves me, and might never ever forget me too. its true i love her, but it would be hypocrisy to say, i never dreamt of a life with her. i just cudnt help if she cudnt visualise it together. but the mobile phone read "I got engaged today. Thanks for your good wishes."

Oh i could see efforts on her part to become formal with me, to forget whatever we have had, and i didnt want to be an impediment here. i prayed god give her the best moments of her life from now on, so what if it is without me. a few minutes down the line she rang, spoke, i didnt know how involved i shud get. after all there is another person in her life, to whom i wud be causing grave injustice. i tried to remain as nonchalant as i cud, and she well, what could she have done.

anyways, that was that fr friday evening, another phase of life over, another innings, time to take fresh guard, for what i know not! is it all worth it sometimes i wonder! my mom says it best, HE above takes all these tests, but how long. how long will we keep suffering ourselves.

in the night with my frd i had a big beer bash. i drank to my hearts bitter content. and i was smashed. i didnt have the nuts to return back, but return i did. took a bath and slept off, it was a blissful nights sleep, the stars above perhaps blessing us both, she with somebody else and me as of now alone.

saturday sunday minor events kept occuring, i didnt want to ring and bother her. am really clueless abt whatever will happen to sister alongside. she keeps msging those smses which speak of utter hopelessness in her voices. is there a way out! oh force, is there a way out!!!

and then over lunch today i got reports that shes back, and she doesnt look jolly, shes tired.
come on, i cudnt do this. she is not upbeat i gotta to take care of her i thot and rang her up...


as time goes on, i know i am doing things that have no rationale behind them. i was advised by my horoscope readers that i shud be compassionate and wise, compassionate i was, wise maybe i will never be able to with her...

anyways thats it for the day. ever since morning trying to wrap up home respos...finalising acco place and all the essentials self preservation details.

in the morning when i took the churchgate local, i think i faced life in a new vigour, handing with just a few fingers outside the compartment, and knowing that a minor shove here and there life is gone...

why preserve myself i was thinking..preserve i did. working in office i am. rung her up, i did.

and life with its moments will go on i know....

`thechild.

As close as it could ever get.....

I wind up the day with this poem of Leonard Cohen

You Do Not Have To Love Me

You do not have to love me
just because
you are all the women
I have ever wanted
I was born to follow you
every night
while I am still
the many men who love you

I meet you at a table
I take your fist between my hands
in a solemn taxi
I wake up alone
my hand on your absense
in Hotel Discipline

I wrote all these songs for you
I burned red and black candles
shaped like a man and a woman
I married the smoke
of two pyramids of sandalwood
I prayed for you
I prayed that you would love me
and that you would not love me

A friend who was always a friend much before we ever met i suppose...

wrote to me the following lines..its ethereal stuff, worth reading again n again...
i love u dear..

there shud b no sorry betwn frnds. i used to believe the same about
thanks but have relaxed my view a bit. and frienship is not about
setting alarm for bdays. that is only a way of expressing. the real
thing is much deeper. much more robust.

dont be so stressed. try to relax. sleep 14hrs a day and jerk off (WHAT ON EARTH DOES HE MEAN BY THAT hahahaha,) at least 3 times.. try to implement (put into practice) the knowledge u
have gathered from books about greatness.. there need not be any set
routine.

just be aware when u r deviating from that.. words are good
things.. but they loose their meaning when u cant attach them to
something. this took me a long time to understand. in fact a word has
infinite meanings.. wisdom is feeling as many of them as you can.


u write so many good words in ur articles or otherwise. have u ever
wondered why is the same thing said in good words more appreciated than
in common language ?? it is bcos if u dont use a word very often, and
when u read it somewhere, u tend rediscover its meaning from the very
depths of ur conciousness. and its that feeling that creates value..

people say words like 'sorry' 'please' 'thanks' so many times, that they
overlook what they have just said. i bet no man will be able to count
how many time he has used the word 'thanks' in the last 1 hr.. yet the
same man will remember how many times he has said 'i am indebted' in the
last month or so.

the same thing happens with 'be happy' 'forgive and forget' etc. ppl
know it all. but they just wont do it. and after a while they even loose
touch with the feeling that they actually are not doing things that
would make them and others happy.. our conciousness has reached such a
gross level that we forget that we r wet in the rain and we start doing
our job. when we catch a cold next, we remember that 'oh! i got drenched
yesterday' ..

another effect i have seen is that every man is more keen on saying than
listening these days. things like 'u listen to me first' are so common.
where is all this aggressiveness taking us.

cool off and take a look arround u. then have a look at you. and finally u will be in a position to look inside urself. and if the scriptures are
true, that is not boring or limited..
that is much more vast than the world around us..

"What Happened"

She came in the ocean of humanity
Running on tiptoes so as not to bother anyone while she could catch her bus
He was lost in the waves trying to know
Where he was, and where to he was going.

She asked him with just two words
Which broke his reverie and suddenly
It seemed like it was someone so close, so much known from eternity behind and ahead
Tapping on the shoulders and asking

"What Happened" --- What Happened !!!
No nothing, but then he turned around
to answer her, she was not around
And gone with her was the closeness of touch

The touch which warmed him to where he was
The two words which picked his hand
And showed him where to he was going as humanity rushed
In and out creating waves in the ocean where they stood

He didnt have words to answer her back
Nor did he get the time, he was lost after all
While she touched and showed him the path
He turned, but then she was gone

In the ocean and waves stayed back the two words
They come back to his ears ever so often
What Happened! What...No Nothing..or Perhaps something Indeed had..

Honesty...thats all i need....

life has made him a ragged soul. he drinks and smokes with the abandon of a uncaring man. but deep within him i know lies an untouched, much bruised soul which craves for honesty....

he made me listen to the lovely song by billy joel this weekend..i loved the words, and i pray that someday he as much as me, get somebody honest in our lives....

this upload is a dedication to the person i knew of him, the person they dont know of him, the person whom he tries to hide from me too, but can never do, because i have known him all along...

love u a lot dear...a lot...

Honesty Lyrics....

If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give


Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you

I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe

I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know

When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one that I depend upon

I Will Follow the Sun

One day you'll look to see I've gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
Some day you'll know I was the one.
But tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
And now the time has come
And so my love I must go.
And though I lose a friend,
In the end you'll know, oooh.
One day you'll find that I have gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
Yes, tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
And now the time has come
And so my love I must go.
And though I lose a friend,
In the end you'll know, oooh.
One day you'll find that I have gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.

Dont cry for me argentina.

It won't be easy, you'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your love after all that I've done
You won't believe me
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Although she's dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun
So I chose freedom
Running around trying everything new
But nothing impressed me at all
I never expected it to
Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance
And as for fortune, and as for fame
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired
They are illusions
They are not the solutions they promised to be
The answer was here all the time
I love you and hope you love me
Don't cry for me Argentina...

Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance
Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true

its number 9 on Monday

and so it does adding up the dates of Monday. 9+1 = 10 = 1 9*1 = 9.

all calculations u do u seem to know the coming two days will be humongous. especially on monday. it will be a critical day. got to keep my cool and merge myself with the day.

rest well an earthquake can happen or an atomic bomb can come over and destroy the city.

so keep ur cool and face the music.

all the best u child dear...
`the child.

He'll Have to Go....

HE'LL HAVE TO GO


Beautiful one by Jim Reeves

Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone
Let's pretend that we're together all alone
I'll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low
And you can tell your friend there with you he'll have to go

Whisper to me tell me do you love me true
Or is he holding you the way I do
Though love is blind make up your mind I've got to know
Should I hang up or will you tell him he'll have to go

You can't say the words I want to hear
While you're with another man
Do you want me answer yes or no
Darling I will understand

Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone
Let's pretend that we're together all alone
I'll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low
And you can tell your friend there with you he'll have to go

Each Day as a separate Entity.....

It is not easy to do that. But that is what induces realism. While keeping alive dreams and enjoyments. Last night the ride back home was a drag. I dont know why tears welled out of my eyes when we had our last hug, a sense of something over and something new starting encompassed me.

Buli said it so well, "every end has a new beginning." At home, cooked took mutton curry and rice and then when i took my first long good sleep in the night after some while, it was blissful. i dont know when it came, and when it went away too, but the morning sun greeted me with splendour. it was as if i was waking up to a new day like the just born child, and i just cudnt avoid the temptation to meditate to make me realise the essence of it.

it has been a lovely free cavalier day ever since. as laptop buying seems to be imminent, the train ride ahead, as she sent me another of her sweet parting messages, life has been moving on and on. I think it started last nite with the mails. Suddenly there was a sense of direction.

Today this good boy friend of mine mails me and says that hes coming to mumbai for the next few years. and it is he who said the above lines. Each day a separate entity. Reality has dreams enmeshed in it. We tend to miss those small moments, the first drops on our cheeks on a balmy night up on the terrace, i think dadu and me had a communion over sleep.

I know he is there with me all the time. and though expectations that things will turn around has started sweeping in again, somehow, there is a quiet serenity associated with the whole thing.

The force above give me strength and wisedom to stay quiet and alive, burning and calm, forward and here all the time. Give me strength to fight along ...in this drama called life.

`thechild.

the good boy speaketh.

i dont want to divulge this name of the person i am talking about. but after some really long time when i kept quiet and distant from him he wrote back.
here are some thoughts from that mail of his.

" I don't think I have a bond with any place now. Every place is the same,
a little hotter or colder, wetter or drier. Every city has an office,
a station and an airport, every city has people making money and
people getting fleeced. I might have told you that I meet these two kinds of people. One says love is a must, if marriage happens, it is good, else ok. The other kind says marriage is
a must (I think both of you belong there). If love happens, it is good, else ok. For one class, there is no marriage without love, for the other kind, there is no love without marriage. "

golden words arent they!

always remember

u own nobody. neither urself. ur existence is all in your own mind. so neither get too posessive about ownership nor too hung up about it. be prepared to move on and on and on and on as long as life keeps u moving on.

in the process who comes who goes, what comes what goes are just experiences. bathe in those experiences like a child bathing in the rain.

finally, if sadness overcomes you that if you havent got somebody, or something, look around, take a deep breath understand that there are million others in this universe who havent either, and that u r in far better a position.

offcourse comparisons like the above are mean but then as long as u cant move to that plank where getting something or getting nothing, doesnt really affect ur work user solidarity in deprivement of various forms as a way out for the bereaved soul.


about anything else, think think think about the big picture. why are u where u r. how much in the long scheme of things has the present fitted into it. chalk out a plan. and then think where u have deviated till now. there will be chances of redeeming lost paths sometimes u gotta accept that u hv to face the consequences of lost time.

each of the coming moment is hence important. dont waste it, utilise it in the best possible manner that u think will keep u peaceful and happy.

thats about it ...the gyan session for the day.

`thechild.

it is the perfect example of life itself....

one moment u r having ur lunch with a ceo of corporate india, things which people aspire for thru their lives, names, people, and you grilling the person across the table as if u had all the world of knowledge to be there asking him those questions...


next moment u r out of his palace, read corporate head quarters, and then life is the same old bus ride.

i think journalists need a huge amount of level headedness to survive and excel.

and in the end its not the name or the byline which counts to him its the honesty to his new ideas and thoughts and how he justifies the service he has taken on to himself, that of writing and recreating imaginary worlds to the readers who read his stories.


learnings from yday night. not verified but worth uploading.

a. the only form of woman which needs to be worshipped is that of the mother. as long as a woman is not a mother she understands just one fact. exploit men. and men if they knew that would allow themselves to be exploited.

b. there are two approaches to this. one to stay alert and agile and vindictive and give back everybody exactly what they deserve. second, create an inner domain, a strong only perhaps known to you within, which u will never allow to get hurt exploited. rest all will just be just that...


finally, take everything as just another thing another acquaintaince. live in the real life, not expecting anything else out of life but the next moment. be flexible and adaptive but in case ur moulding urself let that be known to the world why it is so. that moulding might be painful, u might have never wanted it, but if they wanted u to, u might as well, sharing with the pain in the process.


end of matter is it!!!!! guess no, since i am not convinced whatever i talked above is me talking all this.

more later..

`thechild.

it is the perfect example of life itself....

one moment u r having ur lunch with a ceo of corporate india, things which people aspire for thru their lives, names, people, and you grilling the person across the table as if u had all the world of knowledge to be there asking him those questions...


next moment u r out of his palace, read corporate head quarters, and then life is the same old bus ride.

i think journalists need a huge amount of level headedness to survive and excel.

and in the end its not the name or the byline which counts to him its the honesty to his new ideas and thoughts and how he justifies the service he has taken on to himself, that of writing and recreating imaginary worlds to the readers who read his stories.


learnings from yday night. not verified but worth uploading.

a. the only form of woman which needs to be worshipped is that of the mother. as long as a woman is not a mother she understands just one fact. exploit men. and men if they knew that would allow themselves to be exploited.

b. there are two approaches to this. one to stay alert and agile and vindictive and give back everybody exactly what they deserve. second, create an inner domain, a strong only perhaps known to you within, which u will never allow to get hurt exploited. rest all will just be just that...


finally, take everything as just another thing another acquaintaince. live in the real life, not expecting anything else out of life but the next moment. be flexible and adaptive but in case ur moulding urself let that be known to the world why it is so. that moulding might be painful, u might have never wanted it, but if they wanted u to, u might as well, sharing with the pain in the process.


end of matter is it!!!!! guess no, since i am not convinced whatever i talked above is me talking all this.

more later..

`thechild.

It rained the other night....

I was back after a heavy session in the middle of the night. While bliss overtook me at one end, there was considerable sadness too. Up on the terrace of the building, when the clouds gathered above to protect me from the rays of the cosmos i slept.

Up there on the terrace its always windy. I dont know when i had slept off. But just like the blessings of the force above the rains came down.

i can never forget the first drop on my cheeks. the drop which broke off my slumber, the way it drenched me in gusto and i sat there up above my terrace, the whole city in the lights, the wind caressing through the industrial jungle into the far away hills.

Blessings were they! i dont know, but now when i listen to this lovely song i realised i was drenched and soaked but nobody knew i was crying too.

Crying in the Rains.....This lovely song by everly brothers a dedication to that moment of life.

I'll never let you see
The way my broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride and I know how to hide
All the sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain

If I wait for stormies skies
You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You'll never know that I still love you so
Do the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain

Raindrops falling from heaven
(They) could never take away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you'll never see

Someday when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But till then, darling, you'll never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain

Sinces we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you'll never see

Someday when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But till then, darling, you'll never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain

timepass or experience!

i think everything in life stems from that basic question. do you want to treat it as a passing of time element or something u wud rather soak urself into passionately enjoy the depths out of it yet come out of it unscarred and strengthened to move on for the next soaking.


timepass or experience!


let me try to justify the above phrase with certain examples.

as i see it, people involve themselves in one of the following kind of situations.

a. job as job. for some jobs are a timepass, for some others its an experience. the former like many paarsis or some others u can c in offices appear completely oblivious to everything around. absolutely chilled in life they are, satisfied with what they have. the latter can be divided into two other types. one who do experience, but somewhere by enforcement. hence for them all kind of jobs, be it in the creative arena, management/business arena, or services for the humanity, it is a nuts-bolts thing. 12 hours rigorous work, they experience all that their other job offers but then since its an enforcement, somehow they manage to keep it just at that, cheapening themselves in the process, disrespecting to whatever they do to just the monetised value of their work done. there is the other kinds in the experience domain however who are insanely, irreverently, passionately, innocently committed to whatever they are doing. they get the bricks as well as the bats, laurels come late, but to them they really love and more importantly respect their jobs. i think i atleast till now belong to the last category the experience people for whom yet my work has not been an enforcement. however i am myself allowing it to become one. beware!!!! the basics of allowing something to become an enforcement or not comes from the MIND. If i think its an enforcement irrespective of outputs it is so. think about how it was ur dream to write in a paper just about 12 months back. beware again!!!

b. the other life.
by which i mean -- low involvement relationships between men and women, sometimes they boiling off to high involvement ones, with or without fruition. fruition might be great might not be great, since in every event happening there is a pro and con attached to it. but surely non-fruition has its immediate pains, and its long term loneliness, though it is the most comfortable kind of situation for a life which in itself is a journey. people fear that non-fruition means the end of it all. they fear pain, but what is pain but in the mind itself. no pain, no pain indeed as muthu was saying. keep like this, soak, drench, experience, be true to ur experiences, never disrespect...and keep walking as the johhny walker ad says...


i know this is not delineation, highly unorganised rambling but i will be back with some more stuff...

a. one how at each moment of time, every one of us stands at the cross roads of choices. and the decision what people take is based on a simulation of future which the individual think will happen, but might not happen in the end....

b. how the few of us, who experience, get some pain, lets not refute that we do -- are just like the maajhis..the majhi for whom rowing the travellers from one end of the river is at one moment a timepass, at another moment an experience. sometimes maajhis get really down, but being in a situation as the fluid river they remain in a state of ecstasy always in bliss singing the bhaatiyaali songs and pondering about the origins of the naadi and its mixing with the ocean....

more later dearest.

`thechild.

so ileaked out my name ...

me or myself...:))

just one thot for now....

nice lines from the momentary lapse of reason section....

"I've abandoned my search for reality and am looking for a good fantasy. "

more later in the day...
`chirantan.

learning...learning and learning more....

nivedita smita pooja who the hell are these women...why this intense need for low key low involvement affairs with unmarried people of the opposite sex...

is industrialisation, commercialisation a driver of the need for sex...dont i enjoy these minor flirtations...

what crap...

so chirantan...there u r....things are moving at last on ur baby right..

and ur boss who thinks u r his son believes u r a ganjaa addict who takes ganja every day ...thats an awesome judgement man...am completely zapped...for me to think the way i think the way i behave the way i do my things do i need to be on dope ...to behave that way...

am i so untrustworthy, so unbelievable that i am being branded as a gaanjakhor...save someone's souls buddy...someones surely.

the paper seems to be coming out on 12th july the innovation awards is on the move a book can be visualised. so et and staying here is on the move. or is it! trust, whom do i trust, assurances given, or myself that if they r really, REALLY actuated i am ready to take on the mantle.

its been sometime since old friends and interactions have happened. bhatta, ashish, sat, sanyal, reddy, ketan, sur, raghu, and surely how do i mention him last i dont know..but lovely ratul...even nunu is out of range too...


is there any learning from the flow of events the last two days. yes there are but for that i will have to wait to get out of the system and take a deep breath and closed eyes and think about things the way they happened...

yes she wud be happy knowing things are moving, irony is i cant even inform her...good good i like this held up gush of spirit in me, hidden, it will come out when it has time in full gusto.


......

a game theoretic approach between he and she....

he likes she as much as she likes he...
he interacts with she and is the first one to fall for she as is usually the case :)
she understands enjoys the control element she has on he..
she however doesnt give herself completely.
then he gives himself completely, and she realises that its not done...she likes him and now her true woman comes out somewhere deep within she realises that he is more than just a liking...

but then she started of thinking that he was just a liking..how cud she forsake that belief..

she doesnt. he realise she never would.

result - peaceful silence and separation...hahahaha :))

now she understands she had gotten in him and he realises that he had gotten in her which they were looking for, sob sob they didnt believe that at the beginning..

i think the fault is with the system..which makes us very suspect of everybody around....

that same old banglaa saying, bisshash e haraaye bosto...manush ke bisshash haraano paap..nope i must not do that. i shud be aware but must not loose trust...face reality however tough that might be but stand up to it....

rest life will go on ...

quite a crap note this...but nevertheless my daily quota of jottings...

more later....

`thechild.