Yesterday was 16th June ' 04. Today is 17th June'04.

The essential difference between yesterday and today happens to be in the date. Time has moved ahead. And in the counting system that we have created the date yday added up to 1. today adds up to one more -- 2. it is on one such date 01.01.1979 that i was born, as a child out of the womb of my mother -- came out in the open. That day too, the dates added up to 1. Hence it is said numerologically, (i am trying to frame up some rationale for numerology, more on that later), that 1 is a lucky number for me.

was yesterday lucky! sometimes we can see luck or events happening around us. sometimes something happening at some other end of the cosmos is actually linking up to me. there in perhaps lies my luck. but in any case, yday i started a concerted search for leaving my cigarette smoking habit.

somehow that urge was not coming in. but day before yday while talking to my frd in blore doing his phd i realised as he said also, that its all in the mind. If there is a problem, which the cigarette will ameliorate, does it really ameliorate that problem. It doesnt immediately. All it does is to soothen your nerves to deal with what seems to be a problem, if at all there is a problem in the first place. Thus the way to leave cigarettes is not to smoke becos its a solution, but just to understand that Nothing Really is a Problem. Or for that Matter leading Life itself is a HUGE PROBLEM. ONCE you are out in the Open from the womb, In front of that Problem all other problems just fades.

So cigarettes out. yday evening VK one of my very few respected colleagues here in the paper i work in, asked me with all that he cud garner -- not to intrude on my privacy -- what do i get smoking a cigarette. NOTHING. And i told him that. Ever since that time i had not smoked one. Today morning just when i lighted my first one after around 18 hours of abstinence vk met me outside office. The Unknown force had sent Him. I admitted i was trying. I thought i had overcome it completely. But the moment i Lost Control. I found that vk the unknown force's messenger was there telling me that u havent. Good in a way, the force made me realise that he is there with me.


After a long time, i am quite level with my head i guess. Some sort of a long vision has come in, as everybody around is trying to subdue or satisfy me, i get ever more fiercer and analytical and sharper in dealing, writing, speaking, facing up to things. I like this feel of fearlessness. Whom should i Fear but anybody else apart from MYSELF!

Sister darling sent me this lovely few lines in reply to a 'Loss of faith' mail couple of days back. Here i upload it..it has some lovely thoughts, really deep ones, just a bit unconvincing though. She has found out the reasons behind her thoughts, but is still slightly afraid whether to adopt it. Thats logical, since she has the family to abide by, being a woman in this Indian society. But i am with HER always. We will fight it out....TO THE VERY END.

What else! Life goes on, a realisation has creeped in .....that Men are Men and Women are Women...Perhaps the first of my mindset changes about the class/hierarchy of human civilisation. The deep divides that Force has created to keep some kind of a balance.

I can call it the kink effect. But that is obscene i will not upload that. U want to know that i guess ! we will talk about it...


Ok dear, this is about time i return back to work...Thursday the 17th's quota is over. More soon, maybe tomorrow, maybe some days later...maybe never....

Let the fight, the march, the life that is enmeshed integrally with time go on.....

`thechild.



The Sisterly Thots -- Below :





"Wouldnt it be great had we been let to live with our madness, with our idiosyncracies? maybe the asylum is after all a better place to live in, because all the mads live there with their own life ,their own thoughts and noone laughs ,noone comes and tells them to do like the ways of the world!!!
kintu seta hoy na....atleast in the near future i cannot see it happening. so we have to learn the worldly ways...janina all the d's that are going to come in your life what you think abt them ....or what you feel abt it now, maybe sad, maybe disgusted, maybe betrayed .but at the end of it all lets tell you something...

1) Men are men and women are women. I dont know any of the women n your life till now to comment on them. But i can say atleast that every man and every woman have their insecurities, their frustrations. You have yours, me have mine. But at the end of the road everyone wants to be loved. The basic concept of "love" though is generally very vague for most of the people. I dont know but most of them do not believe that love exists in the mind in the heart in the soul. Sex is just a means to authorise ones rights over the others. every human being knows that he /she is after all alone, and after the cut of the umbilical cord, no other relation really exists...everything is just made.....even love is ....because you need the warmth of the womb ,which isnt possible.....
but maybe very few do think in this way. It’s that eternal longing between a man and a woman, and then go to bed, have babies story which everyone believes in..i dont know why.

2) Do not ever feel sad, or guilty about anything. because they really does not exist. Its all experiences which occurs, and that is what matters. The ds will vanish with time, what you learnt from it will stay..

3) Its not a matter of losing faith. Its a matter of eternal search. a matter of patience and more faith. To be very true. Its really needed in ones life to be selective about ones choices. I dont think its good to open up to everyone and anyone you meet down the line. you have been lucky and its just sheer 'luck' that you have got freinds like the ones in roorkee and some like ratul ...but that doesnt mean you will be lucky everytime...
so it will be difficult ..but be a lil choosy abt your company from now. maybe you will be lonely ,you will be silent ...but dekhbi with time you will be able to live and learn from your loneliness....and abt the one who is really made for you...will certainly know if she has to know...

....but i couldnt somehow be very informal with him....as if a shield came everytime i wanted to be real informal...but i think thats good....you get to know for yourself whos really suited for you and whos not....
and anyways who are to stay are to stay ....anyways....
so be a lil upfront ....jani eshob bola is very easy...but i will tell you something? surround urself with people who can make you laugh just pure laughter....not the people who can talk too much gyan stuff....i seriously mean it . if neccessary ring up people who you think can make you laugh....