There is a time in everybody's life, when he sits in a closed room, which has a sprinkling of moonlight peeping through, the flame in your hand, and the music filling the room with a strange beautitude.
That is the time when one wants to cry his or her heart out. Especially when songs like "Heaven only Knows" is being reverberated around the corners of the four walls. That was the time for me last night.
ALone, i tried to cry. But the efforts were in vain. Not an iota or a droplet seeped through. In frustation i took up my pen. My ink. Wanted to desperately write something. And the only poem that came out was "My tears have dried up now".
Sometimes i start thinking, that how come others, get all the good luck in the world. How come my work goes unrecognised. Come on, did i give enough. Or am i chasing things expecting that with moderate levels of effort, benchmarked with external indices i will get the returns of others.
That has never been my way. Performance is quite unlinked with rewards in my scheme of things. Dadu bolto shob shomoy, kormonye vaa dheekarasthe maa faleshu kadachan.
Its that time of my life when i should wake up, start the walk again. the walk defined by my own path. my own benchmarks my own dreams.
Lets do it again, buddy, for a change irreverent to what is happening outside.
TIll then as the spanish say, un abrazo to all..a hug to all.
cheers n love.
`thechild
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
"Abt a generation that cannot love".....
sorry buddy, its been some time since my last post on ur surface. pardon me. i wont give any excuse, but yes i will write out whatever happened all this time.
and i shud start with the best thing that happened to me in some time. thats the admission of sister...yep, dear lil sis got admitted at last to cal universities' post graduate course in molecular biology. thank u unknown force, i am sure u r taking her to her right direction. Thanks big time indeed!
what else is happening in life! nothing really. nothing at all.
but yes i title todays posting with the above because of the deep conversation we had, with ketan...is he right, i dont know, i dont want to think abt it, too many things rite now ard me, than my shoulder can handle...
"for the generation that cannot love"...heres wishing u a big thumbs up...from a sociological concept i think i belong to the gesselschaft more than to the gemeinschaft....
Gemeinschaft is an association in which individuals are oriented to the large association as much if not more than to their own self interest.
Gesellschaft Gesellschaft on the other hand describes associations in which, for the individual, the larger association never takes on more importance than individual self interest, and lack the same level of shared mores. Gesellschaft is maintained through individuals acting in their own self interest.
and i shud start with the best thing that happened to me in some time. thats the admission of sister...yep, dear lil sis got admitted at last to cal universities' post graduate course in molecular biology. thank u unknown force, i am sure u r taking her to her right direction. Thanks big time indeed!
what else is happening in life! nothing really. nothing at all.
but yes i title todays posting with the above because of the deep conversation we had, with ketan...is he right, i dont know, i dont want to think abt it, too many things rite now ard me, than my shoulder can handle...
"for the generation that cannot love"...heres wishing u a big thumbs up...from a sociological concept i think i belong to the gesselschaft more than to the gemeinschaft....
Gemeinschaft is an association in which individuals are oriented to the large association as much if not more than to their own self interest.
Gesellschaft Gesellschaft on the other hand describes associations in which, for the individual, the larger association never takes on more importance than individual self interest, and lack the same level of shared mores. Gesellschaft is maintained through individuals acting in their own self interest.
Monday, August 16, 2004
All abt the 'F' word.
There are days. When all that u can think of uttering is the F word. the F word and the F word. Today is one such day. Had been out on a meeting, with a colleague, a highly irritating chap. I dont understand how he keeps managing to talk all the while. Sense nonsense, shit bull shit he doesnt even care at all.
Worst of all, or perhaps best of all, he takes the privilege of chalking the history of life. And also the right to my way of life. I wonder, sometimes, how did god give me so much patience to listen to all of it. ALL OF IT AND STAY MUM.
Just mum. its not worth it. The crowd, the trains, the life, the people who perhaps talk more than they ever should, because thinking would make them insecure about the lives they are living. It is not worth it.
Its all about the F word. Really really got to do something about it.
`thechild.
Worst of all, or perhaps best of all, he takes the privilege of chalking the history of life. And also the right to my way of life. I wonder, sometimes, how did god give me so much patience to listen to all of it. ALL OF IT AND STAY MUM.
Just mum. its not worth it. The crowd, the trains, the life, the people who perhaps talk more than they ever should, because thinking would make them insecure about the lives they are living. It is not worth it.
Its all about the F word. Really really got to do something about it.
`thechild.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
"If you miss the train i am on, You will know that i am gone, you can hear the whistle blow ..a hundred miles....."
Yes thats the song which starts my day. Last night while surfing through the web i landed up some lovely kafka lines, one of them i picked up and made my signature. it says, " " From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached."
I dont know, perhaps will never know what is that point. But my research on death, and death by wish, on thanatos, cryptos and hypnos, seems to be in the right path to "understanding".
Anyways, what a day it was, besides the regular "coming to office and going back" schedule, i went back, washed the utensils, got the fish and stuff, cooked, ate cleaned up, despite i knowing that any moment if i stopped my wish to keep it going, i would drop dead. Is that what Kipling meant when he said, " If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew, and serve your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on, when there is nothing in you, except the will which says to you hold on. "
Dunno, morning i wake up as i wished to on time, at 7 in the morning, it was a surprise, maybe the tiredness of the whole day's schedule got me a good sleep in the night, and it meant that waking up was not a problem. Rings up the help maid saying she wont be able to come. THats the first piece of good news, i got to hear to start the day with. It means today will be another struggle. Another of those routines, of every minute thing on your own. Gotta keep my calm all of today and tomorrow and day after and likewise.
On the train, meeting PB, and talkign to him abt batchmates where they are was good. Alighting found her alighting too, i am sure she noticed me as much as i had noticed her, but then, despite the initial flutters, i think i am steady.
This space of mine is a good friend. I gotta finish the doc for sister and that is about the major work that of day, beyond the routine schedule of writing this and that and this and that.
Think chirantan, think, think hard, and try to justify your worth of being and doing what you love most -- writing, you wont get a second chance.
That is it, for the morning, dunno if i will be coming back in the evening, but then i am sure this space would be there with me, wont you be, dear friend:)
`thechild.
I dont know, perhaps will never know what is that point. But my research on death, and death by wish, on thanatos, cryptos and hypnos, seems to be in the right path to "understanding".
Anyways, what a day it was, besides the regular "coming to office and going back" schedule, i went back, washed the utensils, got the fish and stuff, cooked, ate cleaned up, despite i knowing that any moment if i stopped my wish to keep it going, i would drop dead. Is that what Kipling meant when he said, " If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew, and serve your turn long after they are gone, and so hold on, when there is nothing in you, except the will which says to you hold on. "
Dunno, morning i wake up as i wished to on time, at 7 in the morning, it was a surprise, maybe the tiredness of the whole day's schedule got me a good sleep in the night, and it meant that waking up was not a problem. Rings up the help maid saying she wont be able to come. THats the first piece of good news, i got to hear to start the day with. It means today will be another struggle. Another of those routines, of every minute thing on your own. Gotta keep my calm all of today and tomorrow and day after and likewise.
On the train, meeting PB, and talkign to him abt batchmates where they are was good. Alighting found her alighting too, i am sure she noticed me as much as i had noticed her, but then, despite the initial flutters, i think i am steady.
This space of mine is a good friend. I gotta finish the doc for sister and that is about the major work that of day, beyond the routine schedule of writing this and that and this and that.
Think chirantan, think, think hard, and try to justify your worth of being and doing what you love most -- writing, you wont get a second chance.
That is it, for the morning, dunno if i will be coming back in the evening, but then i am sure this space would be there with me, wont you be, dear friend:)
`thechild.
"Waltz for the Lonely"
Why did i feel so lonely last night. I fear more than its recurrence, its happening in the first place. Why did i feel so lonely in the first place at all!
Loneliness is actually a virtue, but soumya was right when i met him last night, after some how many years i myself will find it difficult to calculate.
He is still almost the same man. Except that his farts have mellowed down considerably, he speaks these days of his dreams, of things he is or isnt doing, but with considerable circumspection. And beyond that he gives some lovely thoughts.
Its like as he himself said, "he has outgrown his age" in the same time we have both lived on earth.
Soumya is my old time school friend, one of the most interesting guys one can find around, yet not the professionally succesful person as we will like to define an individual with. Here i etch up on this space some of his thoughts of last night.
On Life and its dilemma.
-- " i fight like a rubber band between two things. One which i believe in, the other which i dream in. My dreams have taken a backseat, and realities are carving my beliefs. Belief that materialism is the be all and end all of the world. and dreams that yes somehow someday i will do something phenomenal for which i was sent for here on this earth."
On his wife, Moumita, and her love.
-- "She is one of the most innocent and conservative woman i have ever come across. Gives me sticks all through the day, looks at me with dreamy eyes when i rattle off my global and perhaps never realisable ambitions, and still believes in me. What do i do, but not to stay with her for a lifetime!" Isnt that what it is....
On Kafka and existensialism
-- He quoted from a Kafka line, "She withdrew from me her fingers. Behind i could hear the whistle of a train, and I was reminded of my childhood."
On Love and Women
-- "Marry somebody atleast 5-6 year younger to yourself chiru. It helps, for people like us, who are anyways quite ahead of our similar aged males in our thoughts. A same aged girl finds that difficult to believe. And hence all the friction. When you marry somebody that young you will see a flower bloom, and be there like the gardener to take care of it, so that its petals dont wither and fall of. It is one of the highest kicks you can get in your lifetime."
-- " Women are encroaching by nature. Bengali women more so because of their very nature. Even bengali males are. For example if you marry a Punju woman, then when she returns home at the same time as you, and then rings up some colleague repeatedly, you inadvertently would be asking, who is it. Encroachment, unnecessary concern is in the way we bongs are all brought up."
On Me
-- "You are not yet materialistic dear. I appreciate that so much still in you. Your profile of being the doctor among us friends, prescribing friends with appropriate medicines, still remains. You were the middle path guy, no risks, good boy, and how come you have shifted lines, from engineering to mba to journalism! Perhaps you are still on a path of discovery, and you have no plans." I have plans soumya, but somehow i am not rigid to them. As ratul told me once, and i so very sincerely know its true, "all does come out even at the end of the day, all comes out even, even more when all the days are over."
On him and his dreams.
-- This is my thought, "Soumya, you are trying to spin a business out of the adage that "perception is a reality". Your demand forces are perceptions, your supply forces are perception, and yet the reality is your business. Perhaps you will make a lot of money from it, but then is that what u wanted. I know you dont. What more can i say to you, but wish you luck, and that i will be there, in whatever best possible way to help you out.
On me and cherished memories
-- "My most cherished memory of life, is how you cried, when i left for Delhi." I fail to remember it, for i cry for everybody. Not many stay back like you have done. I appreciate that initiative to bind up the lost linkages.
Returning back home, it was lonely. People whom i knew from the past, Rajarshi for example have completely dissappeared into oblivion. others are doing a host of other things, Sandeep is in South Korea marrying, Sandipan, planning to be an art director after his bcom, ecom mass com and arts history courses, soumyadeep, no news, ani, languishing in his iflex job a pity isnt it, and nisheet still "discovering" as soumya so rightly said. I think that is fine. Life should be a discovery, not a lonely feeling. There is so much to see, so much to know, liek that guy Afsar who came along with Soumya yday night. Am sure he has an interesting history. But that should remain bottled for some other day.
Thats the update for today. Life does go on, but with the laptop at home things should get more organised.
Sometimes i think its so easy to slip off. To end up like Soumya, wandering. We started from the same origins and bases, how environs guide or misguide us.
That is about it. Take care my child. When life gets lonely, take a deep breath, and remember people from the past, people who formed so much of your existence, but have ever since been overtaken by others in their places due to proximity and convenience and your own bohemian nature.
The waltz will go on...as much for the lonely, as much for the accompanied children of the world.
`thechild.
Loneliness is actually a virtue, but soumya was right when i met him last night, after some how many years i myself will find it difficult to calculate.
He is still almost the same man. Except that his farts have mellowed down considerably, he speaks these days of his dreams, of things he is or isnt doing, but with considerable circumspection. And beyond that he gives some lovely thoughts.
Its like as he himself said, "he has outgrown his age" in the same time we have both lived on earth.
Soumya is my old time school friend, one of the most interesting guys one can find around, yet not the professionally succesful person as we will like to define an individual with. Here i etch up on this space some of his thoughts of last night.
On Life and its dilemma.
-- " i fight like a rubber band between two things. One which i believe in, the other which i dream in. My dreams have taken a backseat, and realities are carving my beliefs. Belief that materialism is the be all and end all of the world. and dreams that yes somehow someday i will do something phenomenal for which i was sent for here on this earth."
On his wife, Moumita, and her love.
-- "She is one of the most innocent and conservative woman i have ever come across. Gives me sticks all through the day, looks at me with dreamy eyes when i rattle off my global and perhaps never realisable ambitions, and still believes in me. What do i do, but not to stay with her for a lifetime!" Isnt that what it is....
On Kafka and existensialism
-- He quoted from a Kafka line, "She withdrew from me her fingers. Behind i could hear the whistle of a train, and I was reminded of my childhood."
On Love and Women
-- "Marry somebody atleast 5-6 year younger to yourself chiru. It helps, for people like us, who are anyways quite ahead of our similar aged males in our thoughts. A same aged girl finds that difficult to believe. And hence all the friction. When you marry somebody that young you will see a flower bloom, and be there like the gardener to take care of it, so that its petals dont wither and fall of. It is one of the highest kicks you can get in your lifetime."
-- " Women are encroaching by nature. Bengali women more so because of their very nature. Even bengali males are. For example if you marry a Punju woman, then when she returns home at the same time as you, and then rings up some colleague repeatedly, you inadvertently would be asking, who is it. Encroachment, unnecessary concern is in the way we bongs are all brought up."
On Me
-- "You are not yet materialistic dear. I appreciate that so much still in you. Your profile of being the doctor among us friends, prescribing friends with appropriate medicines, still remains. You were the middle path guy, no risks, good boy, and how come you have shifted lines, from engineering to mba to journalism! Perhaps you are still on a path of discovery, and you have no plans." I have plans soumya, but somehow i am not rigid to them. As ratul told me once, and i so very sincerely know its true, "all does come out even at the end of the day, all comes out even, even more when all the days are over."
On him and his dreams.
-- This is my thought, "Soumya, you are trying to spin a business out of the adage that "perception is a reality". Your demand forces are perceptions, your supply forces are perception, and yet the reality is your business. Perhaps you will make a lot of money from it, but then is that what u wanted. I know you dont. What more can i say to you, but wish you luck, and that i will be there, in whatever best possible way to help you out.
On me and cherished memories
-- "My most cherished memory of life, is how you cried, when i left for Delhi." I fail to remember it, for i cry for everybody. Not many stay back like you have done. I appreciate that initiative to bind up the lost linkages.
Returning back home, it was lonely. People whom i knew from the past, Rajarshi for example have completely dissappeared into oblivion. others are doing a host of other things, Sandeep is in South Korea marrying, Sandipan, planning to be an art director after his bcom, ecom mass com and arts history courses, soumyadeep, no news, ani, languishing in his iflex job a pity isnt it, and nisheet still "discovering" as soumya so rightly said. I think that is fine. Life should be a discovery, not a lonely feeling. There is so much to see, so much to know, liek that guy Afsar who came along with Soumya yday night. Am sure he has an interesting history. But that should remain bottled for some other day.
Thats the update for today. Life does go on, but with the laptop at home things should get more organised.
Sometimes i think its so easy to slip off. To end up like Soumya, wandering. We started from the same origins and bases, how environs guide or misguide us.
That is about it. Take care my child. When life gets lonely, take a deep breath, and remember people from the past, people who formed so much of your existence, but have ever since been overtaken by others in their places due to proximity and convenience and your own bohemian nature.
The waltz will go on...as much for the lonely, as much for the accompanied children of the world.
`thechild.
Sunday, August 08, 2004
its easy to be good with good men...not so easy to be good with bad men
yup...thats what mom repeatedly said to me...last saturday night...and where was i? sitting in goa, on an official trip, riding on an organisation's money and the ET brand name to enjoy my time.
the jacuzzi in the hotel was awesome! so was the peace in the environs..i think the best part of goa is the irreverence with which it exists..it has its own pace, its own pristine beauty, nothing is hurried there, the seas roll along the beaches, the fish sellers sell their stuff, everybody is so blissfully satisfied with their existence.
but the jacuzzi reminded me of the well where we used to have our childhood baths back in belur at grandpa's place. how lives change isnt it, sometimes i wonder about my people back home, and the kind of existence they have, am i getting away from all of them becos of these stuff.
anyways, talking to maa was a revelation..shes really really a darling, no two doubts about it...one she said she was talking to me, while looking at my childhood pic, so true isnt it, i might be grown up to the world, to my mom i am still the toddler..its so true! and then, she talked about the fact, when i used to be "always happy"...i knew that there was this existence of mine, cavalier, and carefree, but then life has made me quite introvertish isnt it! that essentially means i am allowing my spirit to be overawed by the externalities...no way, gotta get back to old ways. and then finally, she said those lovely words taking a cue from baba, how its so easy to be good with good men, but not that easy to be good with bad men...
i think the essence in that is the fact that one has a tremendous belief in oneself, in one's domain of activity, thus not needing to take crutch from anybody else! so that means, good or bad, people are always people, shared organisms with whom we exist in this world..and finally, who r we to make judgements about the choices to be good or bad others have made in life...quite cool thought that was...
thats abt it in this blog update. returning back from goa, i laid out my place, the kitchen n stuff are done, i think i need to settle out my financial outgoings and life is going to take the trudge ahead..
profs whom i am mailing say that i have impressive credentials for a phd. but does that matter. i think what matters is the walk, and i gotta take it, for there is this quite deep urge in me to give it all away, and to float around in life, just becos "all comes out even at the end of the day"....but given that i am my kinds, and i would need my peaceful sleep at the end of life, i need to do justification to my existence and abilities.
more focus, more planning, better control..and life will move along. gotta tell sis that while 83.4 % is a good percentile to start fighting for the CAT preps, yet its not the end of the road. in cat preps u dont benchmark with history or with competition, u benchmark only with urself. try to assess that u r giving ur best, and finally, that u r able to recreate ur bestest in those 2 hrs of exams...
at the very end...the lyrics of this song by bobby mcferrin.
Here's a little song, I wrote
I might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy
Every life we has some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy ho…
(Don't worry, be happy yeah)
Uh uh uh uh don't worry be happy….(4x)
I arco place who lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy
The land lord say your rent is late
Hey may have to lit the gate
Don't worry, be happy (look at me I'm happy)
Uh uh…,don't worry, be happy
(I give you my phone no.
When you worried call me
I make you happy) oh…
Don't worry, be happy
Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
In gumble gull to make you smile
But don't worry, be happy
Coz when you worry your face will frown
In that will bring everybody damn
So don't worry, be happy…(5x)
Now then, this song I wrote
I hope you learn it note for note
(Like good to children) don't worry, be happy
Listen to what I say in your life inspect some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy........
the jacuzzi in the hotel was awesome! so was the peace in the environs..i think the best part of goa is the irreverence with which it exists..it has its own pace, its own pristine beauty, nothing is hurried there, the seas roll along the beaches, the fish sellers sell their stuff, everybody is so blissfully satisfied with their existence.
but the jacuzzi reminded me of the well where we used to have our childhood baths back in belur at grandpa's place. how lives change isnt it, sometimes i wonder about my people back home, and the kind of existence they have, am i getting away from all of them becos of these stuff.
anyways, talking to maa was a revelation..shes really really a darling, no two doubts about it...one she said she was talking to me, while looking at my childhood pic, so true isnt it, i might be grown up to the world, to my mom i am still the toddler..its so true! and then, she talked about the fact, when i used to be "always happy"...i knew that there was this existence of mine, cavalier, and carefree, but then life has made me quite introvertish isnt it! that essentially means i am allowing my spirit to be overawed by the externalities...no way, gotta get back to old ways. and then finally, she said those lovely words taking a cue from baba, how its so easy to be good with good men, but not that easy to be good with bad men...
i think the essence in that is the fact that one has a tremendous belief in oneself, in one's domain of activity, thus not needing to take crutch from anybody else! so that means, good or bad, people are always people, shared organisms with whom we exist in this world..and finally, who r we to make judgements about the choices to be good or bad others have made in life...quite cool thought that was...
thats abt it in this blog update. returning back from goa, i laid out my place, the kitchen n stuff are done, i think i need to settle out my financial outgoings and life is going to take the trudge ahead..
profs whom i am mailing say that i have impressive credentials for a phd. but does that matter. i think what matters is the walk, and i gotta take it, for there is this quite deep urge in me to give it all away, and to float around in life, just becos "all comes out even at the end of the day"....but given that i am my kinds, and i would need my peaceful sleep at the end of life, i need to do justification to my existence and abilities.
more focus, more planning, better control..and life will move along. gotta tell sis that while 83.4 % is a good percentile to start fighting for the CAT preps, yet its not the end of the road. in cat preps u dont benchmark with history or with competition, u benchmark only with urself. try to assess that u r giving ur best, and finally, that u r able to recreate ur bestest in those 2 hrs of exams...
at the very end...the lyrics of this song by bobby mcferrin.
Here's a little song, I wrote
I might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry, be happy
Every life we has some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy ho…
(Don't worry, be happy yeah)
Uh uh uh uh don't worry be happy….(4x)
I arco place who lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy
The land lord say your rent is late
Hey may have to lit the gate
Don't worry, be happy (look at me I'm happy)
Uh uh…,don't worry, be happy
(I give you my phone no.
When you worried call me
I make you happy) oh…
Don't worry, be happy
Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
In gumble gull to make you smile
But don't worry, be happy
Coz when you worry your face will frown
In that will bring everybody damn
So don't worry, be happy…(5x)
Now then, this song I wrote
I hope you learn it note for note
(Like good to children) don't worry, be happy
Listen to what I say in your life inspect some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy........
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
The fall and the Charge....
Today's writings are on the expedition of the morning. It was blissfully raining all the night as i and bhatta chatted along on life and its trappings. we surely dont know when we slept, but then waking up, it was only the sound of falling rain outside.
i wanted to get out early, but as is usual to me, laziness overcame me. soon i had a jolt after bhatta left early, and then i thot okay honey, lets move. came out i, draped in the windcheater, and the umbrella, on the auto with dubeyji to bandra.
interesting person he was, talking about life from jaunpur, and the fact that he wanted to join the army and how life took a twist at the final hurdle. yet he dropped me safe n sound in bandra station and there despite my cautiousness in the soggy floorings of the platform i slipped and fell on the stairs in the crowd the rains n in my own overcautiousness....
that is where i felt like "what a fall it was my countrymen..." as mark anthony might have said then. infact i think it was a reminder to me from up above that even if i am aiming for a cnn award, i shudnt focus on the award but on the integrity of my writings. good reminder buddy, i know u r always there with me.
hence the fall was peaceful.
---------------
Ingratitude, more strong than traitors' arms,
Quite vanquish'd him: then burst his mighty heart;
And, in his mantle muffling up his face,
Even at the base of Pompey's statua,
Which all the while ran blood, great Caesar fell.
O, what a fall was there, my countrymen!
Then I, and you, and all of us fell down,
Whilst bloody treason flourish'd over us.
--------------------
so from there in the rains, half outside my torso getting drenched in the churchgate i moved. humming came naturally to me then, i was singing, "dil yeh jo sapno mein aaya"....and then it so happened that at marine lines station i guess i had this weird feeling as if like i am on an expedition and this was just nothing..an expedition like king solomon's mines story....
from there reached churchgate, and there the cab guy was an equally blessed one like me, his door handle had been knocked off in the morning, and i said to him, good that we two met up, means the rest of the day will be great for both of us. he said a lovely lines, "sab uparwalaa ke lenaa yaa dena hain, isiliye koi bhi nuksaaan yeh gains par kaabhi jyada khush yaa dukhi nahin honi chahiye." vaah saahaab, kya lavz hain, didnt they sound so much like kipling, when he said,
"If you can meet triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same."
so off we, as in my body, drenched, fighting to reach office, and my soul, which was wandering around where i dont know, but surely in the monsoons of mumbai, into office.
entering a colleague asks me, why the trains had stopped. how can people ask such questions i sometimes wonder...but then i reasoned it out with the following lines from this poem....
"Forward, the Light Brigade!"
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Someone had blunder'd:
Their's not to make reply,
-----Their's not to reason why,-------
Their's but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
So there it is the Fall and the charge...lifes going to be interesting for sure i can smell it around me.
adios ....
`thechild.
i wanted to get out early, but as is usual to me, laziness overcame me. soon i had a jolt after bhatta left early, and then i thot okay honey, lets move. came out i, draped in the windcheater, and the umbrella, on the auto with dubeyji to bandra.
interesting person he was, talking about life from jaunpur, and the fact that he wanted to join the army and how life took a twist at the final hurdle. yet he dropped me safe n sound in bandra station and there despite my cautiousness in the soggy floorings of the platform i slipped and fell on the stairs in the crowd the rains n in my own overcautiousness....
that is where i felt like "what a fall it was my countrymen..." as mark anthony might have said then. infact i think it was a reminder to me from up above that even if i am aiming for a cnn award, i shudnt focus on the award but on the integrity of my writings. good reminder buddy, i know u r always there with me.
hence the fall was peaceful.
---------------
Ingratitude, more strong than traitors' arms,
Quite vanquish'd him: then burst his mighty heart;
And, in his mantle muffling up his face,
Even at the base of Pompey's statua,
Which all the while ran blood, great Caesar fell.
O, what a fall was there, my countrymen!
Then I, and you, and all of us fell down,
Whilst bloody treason flourish'd over us.
--------------------
so from there in the rains, half outside my torso getting drenched in the churchgate i moved. humming came naturally to me then, i was singing, "dil yeh jo sapno mein aaya"....and then it so happened that at marine lines station i guess i had this weird feeling as if like i am on an expedition and this was just nothing..an expedition like king solomon's mines story....
from there reached churchgate, and there the cab guy was an equally blessed one like me, his door handle had been knocked off in the morning, and i said to him, good that we two met up, means the rest of the day will be great for both of us. he said a lovely lines, "sab uparwalaa ke lenaa yaa dena hain, isiliye koi bhi nuksaaan yeh gains par kaabhi jyada khush yaa dukhi nahin honi chahiye." vaah saahaab, kya lavz hain, didnt they sound so much like kipling, when he said,
"If you can meet triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same."
so off we, as in my body, drenched, fighting to reach office, and my soul, which was wandering around where i dont know, but surely in the monsoons of mumbai, into office.
entering a colleague asks me, why the trains had stopped. how can people ask such questions i sometimes wonder...but then i reasoned it out with the following lines from this poem....
"Forward, the Light Brigade!"
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Someone had blunder'd:
Their's not to make reply,
-----Their's not to reason why,-------
Their's but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
So there it is the Fall and the charge...lifes going to be interesting for sure i can smell it around me.
adios ....
`thechild.
Monday, August 02, 2004
------------
I'll never let you see
The way this broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride
And I know how to hide
All the sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain
If I wait for cloudy skies
You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You'll never know
That I still love you so
Though the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Raindrops falling from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
Raindrops falling from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you never see
Some day when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But 'til then darling you'll
Never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
To hide these tears I hope you never see
Some day when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But 'til then darling you'll
Never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Raindrops falling from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you never see
Some day when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But 'til then darling you'll
Never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the... rain...
----------------
Yesterday my shifting was complete. After 25 years of living with a variety of relations, mother and father, sister and friends, flatties and everybody else, at long last, there is a corner in this world where i am on my own.
It was a peculiar feeling. While i anticipated ecstasy to engulf me, i found it was quite contrary in reality. On one hand, the place, with its cosiness seems to have showered on my first home coming ever since i have been travelling the last 7 years, once i got out of home on my way to roorkee.
On the other hand, this place was more in the striving for getting a better control on life. To plan out better for the turbulences and travel ahead. Maa said it nicely, yday night when she gave me a ring. She was expressing her fears about how far and how wide and how long would i like to keep this bohemian existence going.
How can i help it was my initial refrain? But then, i think i can, if i want to -- right now i dont want to be very frank. As a result, i think this new place should be the ideal launcher for a new peaceful life.
Starting life anew, didnt i say that yday. Yes life anew it has to be. With better control on yourself. There is a whole host of things to do in this new place. But i guess it would be nice. Planning life ahead. Building up a house just like writing a novel. And with the laptop in life should be better too despite the loneliness.
That is about it for the day...hoping to be back soon.
`thechildstayingsolitaryandblissfullyalone.
I'll never let you see
The way this broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride
And I know how to hide
All the sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain
If I wait for cloudy skies
You won't know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You'll never know
That I still love you so
Though the heartaches remain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Raindrops falling from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
Raindrops falling from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you never see
Some day when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But 'til then darling you'll
Never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
To hide these tears I hope you never see
Some day when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But 'til then darling you'll
Never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
Raindrops falling from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
Since we're not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you never see
Some day when my crying's done
I'm gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool
But 'til then darling you'll
Never see me complain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the rain
I'll do my crying in the... rain...
----------------
Yesterday my shifting was complete. After 25 years of living with a variety of relations, mother and father, sister and friends, flatties and everybody else, at long last, there is a corner in this world where i am on my own.
It was a peculiar feeling. While i anticipated ecstasy to engulf me, i found it was quite contrary in reality. On one hand, the place, with its cosiness seems to have showered on my first home coming ever since i have been travelling the last 7 years, once i got out of home on my way to roorkee.
On the other hand, this place was more in the striving for getting a better control on life. To plan out better for the turbulences and travel ahead. Maa said it nicely, yday night when she gave me a ring. She was expressing her fears about how far and how wide and how long would i like to keep this bohemian existence going.
How can i help it was my initial refrain? But then, i think i can, if i want to -- right now i dont want to be very frank. As a result, i think this new place should be the ideal launcher for a new peaceful life.
Starting life anew, didnt i say that yday. Yes life anew it has to be. With better control on yourself. There is a whole host of things to do in this new place. But i guess it would be nice. Planning life ahead. Building up a house just like writing a novel. And with the laptop in life should be better too despite the loneliness.
That is about it for the day...hoping to be back soon.
`thechildstayingsolitaryandblissfullyalone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)