My state of mind....through this poem by Rainer Maria Rilke...
Loneliness....
Being apart and lonely is like rain.
It climbs toward evening from the ocean plains;
from flat places, rolling and remote, it climbs
to heaven, which is its old abode.
And only when leaving heaven drops upon the city.
It rains down on us in those twittering
hours when the streets turn their faces to the dawn,
and when two bodies who have found nothing,
dissapointed and depressed, roll over;
and when two people who despise eachother
have to sleep together in one bed-
that is when loneliness receives the rivers...
Saturday, July 31, 2004
Mumbai is raining like crazy....
An attribute of the nature which almost calls me to go out and drench myself. Its been a long time since i have updated my lil space here. Lil because i created this more out of a fascination about this world.
Its just turning out that it will be my best companion in the end.
Long time isnt it. Ashish and Sur came and went and what a jolly good time we had. Its true that inhibitions inculcated in our ordinary individual lives made it difficult to strike base.
But it was real fun sleeping with sur and ashish in the same room. Or talking to them, or they really getting to my head and easing off the pain of loneliness.
The best part was the way i found sur and ashish have developed into their own true selves. Ashish for example genuinely surprised me with the depth of his thoughts. The catch though is although he evoked sentences like "try enjoying your solitude" it seemed quite apparent to both of us, that life for him has been quite difficult.
Smriti gone, and now Aafia too. Desperation creeped into his voice when i mentioned we all learn from our own experiences. How long they both shrieked. Well i too dont know, perhaps i am more a learner than them, nothing satiates me than the feeling of having learnt something new out of any endeavour in life. I always feel so much to learn, so much to see, that even when i die perhaps i will still be a complete novice.
Life has moved on in pretty fast gears in other aspects to. The woman from Jan to July in my life is dissappearing. i can see the back of her fast vanishing car, with no pain, but perhaps relief. Which brings me to the essential question, are relationships not what i really am made for! Is it that being solitary, alone, one the best part i love doing in life.
Tomorrow i will shift to a new house, a completely lonely existence, after having lived for 25 years with somebody or the other in life. I know living alone is tough, but then this should be a good solidifying experience.
There is nothing much else in life these days! Relief is flowing through from sister's end, with her having atlast got some reward for her perseverence. She should get a good college for her masters, about her marriage though i initiated the process, and firmly believe that people should get married early if possible, yet i sometimes shudder at the thought of life in our family without her! She has been the epitome of the other face in our lives...what happens when she goes. like a true elder bro perhaps i will kiss her and wish her luck on the new journey with somebody else in life and then hope that as it normally happens, distancing doesnt occur. But then that is so normal isnt it! nobody remains, for anybody. once sis is gone, the responsibility of staying close to maa and baba shall increase, long term thoughts all of these, but still lifes shaping up for a change, and i the child is going deeper and deeper into hiding.
Emerging in its place is a solid man, whos a man by the way, the one that kipling says or the one who is always a restless learner.
Life is lovely these days. The monsoons are a delicious delight in mumbai, despite the compounding of life and commutation. Somehow they to me are a blessing in this otherwise so humdrumy kind of city.
Perhaps a new watershed in life too! who knows...u the one reading it, me the one writing it, or HIM the one watching it.
The truth is that, "truth sits on the lips of dying men" as mathew arnold said, and for once something in me is dying, something else is taking its place in return.
More later.............
`thegrowingchild.
Its just turning out that it will be my best companion in the end.
Long time isnt it. Ashish and Sur came and went and what a jolly good time we had. Its true that inhibitions inculcated in our ordinary individual lives made it difficult to strike base.
But it was real fun sleeping with sur and ashish in the same room. Or talking to them, or they really getting to my head and easing off the pain of loneliness.
The best part was the way i found sur and ashish have developed into their own true selves. Ashish for example genuinely surprised me with the depth of his thoughts. The catch though is although he evoked sentences like "try enjoying your solitude" it seemed quite apparent to both of us, that life for him has been quite difficult.
Smriti gone, and now Aafia too. Desperation creeped into his voice when i mentioned we all learn from our own experiences. How long they both shrieked. Well i too dont know, perhaps i am more a learner than them, nothing satiates me than the feeling of having learnt something new out of any endeavour in life. I always feel so much to learn, so much to see, that even when i die perhaps i will still be a complete novice.
Life has moved on in pretty fast gears in other aspects to. The woman from Jan to July in my life is dissappearing. i can see the back of her fast vanishing car, with no pain, but perhaps relief. Which brings me to the essential question, are relationships not what i really am made for! Is it that being solitary, alone, one the best part i love doing in life.
Tomorrow i will shift to a new house, a completely lonely existence, after having lived for 25 years with somebody or the other in life. I know living alone is tough, but then this should be a good solidifying experience.
There is nothing much else in life these days! Relief is flowing through from sister's end, with her having atlast got some reward for her perseverence. She should get a good college for her masters, about her marriage though i initiated the process, and firmly believe that people should get married early if possible, yet i sometimes shudder at the thought of life in our family without her! She has been the epitome of the other face in our lives...what happens when she goes. like a true elder bro perhaps i will kiss her and wish her luck on the new journey with somebody else in life and then hope that as it normally happens, distancing doesnt occur. But then that is so normal isnt it! nobody remains, for anybody. once sis is gone, the responsibility of staying close to maa and baba shall increase, long term thoughts all of these, but still lifes shaping up for a change, and i the child is going deeper and deeper into hiding.
Emerging in its place is a solid man, whos a man by the way, the one that kipling says or the one who is always a restless learner.
Life is lovely these days. The monsoons are a delicious delight in mumbai, despite the compounding of life and commutation. Somehow they to me are a blessing in this otherwise so humdrumy kind of city.
Perhaps a new watershed in life too! who knows...u the one reading it, me the one writing it, or HIM the one watching it.
The truth is that, "truth sits on the lips of dying men" as mathew arnold said, and for once something in me is dying, something else is taking its place in return.
More later.............
`thegrowingchild.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Just like a Woman
Well well....the operative words arrow marked.
-----------
Nobody feels any pain
---->Tonight as I stand inside the rain
Ev'rybody knows
That Baby's got new clothes
----->But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls.
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman
---->But she breaks just like a little girl.
----> Queen Mary, she's my friend
----> Yes, I believe I'll go see her again
Nobody has to guess
That Baby can't be blessed
Till she sees finally that she's like all the rest
With her fog, her amphetamine and her pearls.
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
----> And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl.
It was raining from the first
And I was dying there of thirst
So I came in here
-----> And your long-time curse hurts
But what's worse
Is this pain in here
I can't stay in here
Ain't it clear that--
I just can't fit
Yes, I believe it's time for us to quit
When we meet again
Introduced as friends
----> Please don't let on that you knew me when
----> I was hungry and it was your world.
Ah, you fake just like a woman, yes, you do
You make love just like a woman, yes, you do
Then you ache just like a woman
----> But you break just like a little girl.
--------------
-----------
Nobody feels any pain
---->Tonight as I stand inside the rain
Ev'rybody knows
That Baby's got new clothes
----->But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls.
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman
---->But she breaks just like a little girl.
----> Queen Mary, she's my friend
----> Yes, I believe I'll go see her again
Nobody has to guess
That Baby can't be blessed
Till she sees finally that she's like all the rest
With her fog, her amphetamine and her pearls.
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
----> And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl.
It was raining from the first
And I was dying there of thirst
So I came in here
-----> And your long-time curse hurts
But what's worse
Is this pain in here
I can't stay in here
Ain't it clear that--
I just can't fit
Yes, I believe it's time for us to quit
When we meet again
Introduced as friends
----> Please don't let on that you knew me when
----> I was hungry and it was your world.
Ah, you fake just like a woman, yes, you do
You make love just like a woman, yes, you do
Then you ache just like a woman
----> But you break just like a little girl.
--------------
Monday, July 19, 2004
in a few days....
i will be living my first experience of staying alone in life. life is such a learner that i am waiting for this opportunity with bated breath. no amount of money being spent on this effort is deterring me from doing so.
i am afraid..but then evolution is just that ....i have never stayed alone, surrounded by friends but perhaps its about time to give ourselves a break, from anybody and everybody and give your own urself a lil time.
it doesnt demand much and in this rush for fake gold it deserves this much doesnt it! the soul bruised, standing still, bleeding, now the blod having clotted needs some pacifying ointment too...
lets c how this moves on...
i am afraid..but then evolution is just that ....i have never stayed alone, surrounded by friends but perhaps its about time to give ourselves a break, from anybody and everybody and give your own urself a lil time.
it doesnt demand much and in this rush for fake gold it deserves this much doesnt it! the soul bruised, standing still, bleeding, now the blod having clotted needs some pacifying ointment too...
lets c how this moves on...
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Dont think twice its all right....
another set of lines..from Joan Baez.....
more later dear bloggie woggie.
love
the child.
----DONT THINK TWICE ITS ALL RIGHT ------------
It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don't matter, anyhow
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don't know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
Don't think twice, it's all right
It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin' anyway
So don't think twice, it's all right
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right
I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all righ
more later dear bloggie woggie.
love
the child.
----DONT THINK TWICE ITS ALL RIGHT ------------
It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don't matter, anyhow
An' it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don't know by now
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window and I'll be gone
You're the reason I'm trav'lin' on
Don't think twice, it's all right
It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin' anyway
So don't think twice, it's all right
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
Like you never did before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm a-thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
But don't think twice, it's all right
I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But goodbye's too good a word, gal
So I'll just say fare thee well
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all righ
Monday, July 12, 2004
Come with me, I Said and No One Knew
Neruda....writes.
Come with me, I said, and no one knew
where, or how my pain throbbed,
no carnations or barcaroles for me,
only a wound that love had opened.
I said it again: Come with me, as if I were dying,
and no one saw the moon that bled in my mouth
or the blood that rose into the silence.
O Love, now we can forget the star that has such thorns!
That is why when I heard your voice repeat
Come with me, it was as if you had let loose
the grief, the love, the fury of a cork-trapped wine
the geysers flooding from deep in its vault:
in my mouth I felt the taste of fire again,
of blood and carnations, of rock and scald.
tis the birth centenary of this man, often called the saddest of men. we read his poems get poultices and ointments for our pains, but can anyof us do anything to the sorrows of his, that time experiences the world around had borne in him...
Come with me, I said, and no one knew
where, or how my pain throbbed,
no carnations or barcaroles for me,
only a wound that love had opened.
I said it again: Come with me, as if I were dying,
and no one saw the moon that bled in my mouth
or the blood that rose into the silence.
O Love, now we can forget the star that has such thorns!
That is why when I heard your voice repeat
Come with me, it was as if you had let loose
the grief, the love, the fury of a cork-trapped wine
the geysers flooding from deep in its vault:
in my mouth I felt the taste of fire again,
of blood and carnations, of rock and scald.
tis the birth centenary of this man, often called the saddest of men. we read his poems get poultices and ointments for our pains, but can anyof us do anything to the sorrows of his, that time experiences the world around had borne in him...
jotting down of moments.
sometimes i get ashamed of myself. my memories are getting shortlived and are building an inner system of priorities, sieving out the necessary ones and dunking the unnecessary ones.
i was never like this, since necessities are borne out of self interest and preservation, when was ever that a question to me! but perhaps life here the last 12 months has taught me that.
friday evening was such a momentous one.
whole of the day, i ran around and completed my first big assignment in et. anchoring, contributing, editing, designing laying out a 4 pager is never easy. more so it was never easy for me with no such experience. i thank the force above for staying with me and getting me through this, despite all the blues accompanying it.
evening when work was over, arjun and myself went for a lovely movie 'Laws of Attraction'. there were some lovely lines in the movie, more so in the plot. its a must see for anyone reading this blogspot.
i will always cherish those lines pierce brosnan says to julianne moore. ' i might be a divorce lawyer but i dont believe in divorce. u gotta fight for everything in life, especially for forged relationships like marriages. where do couples have the passion they suddenly incite among themselves once they file divorce. and yes, then came the lines 'i might be called old fashioned, but for a person i love, i shud be selfless enough to give what she wants...' it was a stunner. becos just at that pt the mobile phone on my pocket stirred.
i had kept it on the vibrator mode. i knew it was friday, the day she was getting engaged. i knew there was a chance she would forget me for ever post that. i knew too she loves me, and might never ever forget me too. its true i love her, but it would be hypocrisy to say, i never dreamt of a life with her. i just cudnt help if she cudnt visualise it together. but the mobile phone read "I got engaged today. Thanks for your good wishes."
Oh i could see efforts on her part to become formal with me, to forget whatever we have had, and i didnt want to be an impediment here. i prayed god give her the best moments of her life from now on, so what if it is without me. a few minutes down the line she rang, spoke, i didnt know how involved i shud get. after all there is another person in her life, to whom i wud be causing grave injustice. i tried to remain as nonchalant as i cud, and she well, what could she have done.
anyways, that was that fr friday evening, another phase of life over, another innings, time to take fresh guard, for what i know not! is it all worth it sometimes i wonder! my mom says it best, HE above takes all these tests, but how long. how long will we keep suffering ourselves.
in the night with my frd i had a big beer bash. i drank to my hearts bitter content. and i was smashed. i didnt have the nuts to return back, but return i did. took a bath and slept off, it was a blissful nights sleep, the stars above perhaps blessing us both, she with somebody else and me as of now alone.
saturday sunday minor events kept occuring, i didnt want to ring and bother her. am really clueless abt whatever will happen to sister alongside. she keeps msging those smses which speak of utter hopelessness in her voices. is there a way out! oh force, is there a way out!!!
and then over lunch today i got reports that shes back, and she doesnt look jolly, shes tired.
come on, i cudnt do this. she is not upbeat i gotta to take care of her i thot and rang her up...
as time goes on, i know i am doing things that have no rationale behind them. i was advised by my horoscope readers that i shud be compassionate and wise, compassionate i was, wise maybe i will never be able to with her...
anyways thats it for the day. ever since morning trying to wrap up home respos...finalising acco place and all the essentials self preservation details.
in the morning when i took the churchgate local, i think i faced life in a new vigour, handing with just a few fingers outside the compartment, and knowing that a minor shove here and there life is gone...
why preserve myself i was thinking..preserve i did. working in office i am. rung her up, i did.
and life with its moments will go on i know....
`thechild.
i was never like this, since necessities are borne out of self interest and preservation, when was ever that a question to me! but perhaps life here the last 12 months has taught me that.
friday evening was such a momentous one.
whole of the day, i ran around and completed my first big assignment in et. anchoring, contributing, editing, designing laying out a 4 pager is never easy. more so it was never easy for me with no such experience. i thank the force above for staying with me and getting me through this, despite all the blues accompanying it.
evening when work was over, arjun and myself went for a lovely movie 'Laws of Attraction'. there were some lovely lines in the movie, more so in the plot. its a must see for anyone reading this blogspot.
i will always cherish those lines pierce brosnan says to julianne moore. ' i might be a divorce lawyer but i dont believe in divorce. u gotta fight for everything in life, especially for forged relationships like marriages. where do couples have the passion they suddenly incite among themselves once they file divorce. and yes, then came the lines 'i might be called old fashioned, but for a person i love, i shud be selfless enough to give what she wants...' it was a stunner. becos just at that pt the mobile phone on my pocket stirred.
i had kept it on the vibrator mode. i knew it was friday, the day she was getting engaged. i knew there was a chance she would forget me for ever post that. i knew too she loves me, and might never ever forget me too. its true i love her, but it would be hypocrisy to say, i never dreamt of a life with her. i just cudnt help if she cudnt visualise it together. but the mobile phone read "I got engaged today. Thanks for your good wishes."
Oh i could see efforts on her part to become formal with me, to forget whatever we have had, and i didnt want to be an impediment here. i prayed god give her the best moments of her life from now on, so what if it is without me. a few minutes down the line she rang, spoke, i didnt know how involved i shud get. after all there is another person in her life, to whom i wud be causing grave injustice. i tried to remain as nonchalant as i cud, and she well, what could she have done.
anyways, that was that fr friday evening, another phase of life over, another innings, time to take fresh guard, for what i know not! is it all worth it sometimes i wonder! my mom says it best, HE above takes all these tests, but how long. how long will we keep suffering ourselves.
in the night with my frd i had a big beer bash. i drank to my hearts bitter content. and i was smashed. i didnt have the nuts to return back, but return i did. took a bath and slept off, it was a blissful nights sleep, the stars above perhaps blessing us both, she with somebody else and me as of now alone.
saturday sunday minor events kept occuring, i didnt want to ring and bother her. am really clueless abt whatever will happen to sister alongside. she keeps msging those smses which speak of utter hopelessness in her voices. is there a way out! oh force, is there a way out!!!
and then over lunch today i got reports that shes back, and she doesnt look jolly, shes tired.
come on, i cudnt do this. she is not upbeat i gotta to take care of her i thot and rang her up...
as time goes on, i know i am doing things that have no rationale behind them. i was advised by my horoscope readers that i shud be compassionate and wise, compassionate i was, wise maybe i will never be able to with her...
anyways thats it for the day. ever since morning trying to wrap up home respos...finalising acco place and all the essentials self preservation details.
in the morning when i took the churchgate local, i think i faced life in a new vigour, handing with just a few fingers outside the compartment, and knowing that a minor shove here and there life is gone...
why preserve myself i was thinking..preserve i did. working in office i am. rung her up, i did.
and life with its moments will go on i know....
`thechild.
jotting down of moments.
sometimes i get ashamed of myself. my memories are getting shortlived and are building an inner system of priorities, sieving out the necessary ones and dunking the unnecessary ones.
i was never like this, since necessities are borne out of self interest and preservation, when was ever that a question to me! but perhaps life here the last 12 months has taught me that.
friday evening was such a momentous one.
whole of the day, i ran around and completed my first big assignment in et. anchoring, contributing, editing, designing laying out a 4 pager is never easy. more so it was never easy for me with no such experience. i thank the force above for staying with me and getting me through this, despite all the blues accompanying it.
evening when work was over, arjun and myself went for a lovely movie 'Laws of Attraction'. there were some lovely lines in the movie, more so in the plot. its a must see for anyone reading this blogspot.
i will always cherish those lines pierce brosnan says to julianne moore. ' i might be a divorce lawyer but i dont believe in divorce. u gotta fight for everything in life, especially for forged relationships like marriages. where do couples have the passion they suddenly incite among themselves once they file divorce. and yes, then came the lines 'i might be called old fashioned, but for a person i love, i shud be selfless enough to give what she wants...' it was a stunner. becos just at that pt the mobile phone on my pocket stirred.
i had kept it on the vibrator mode. i knew it was friday, the day she was getting engaged. i knew there was a chance she would forget me for ever post that. i knew too she loves me, and might never ever forget me too. its true i love her, but it would be hypocrisy to say, i never dreamt of a life with her. i just cudnt help if she cudnt visualise it together. but the mobile phone read "I got engaged today. Thanks for your good wishes."
Oh i could see efforts on her part to become formal with me, to forget whatever we have had, and i didnt want to be an impediment here. i prayed god give her the best moments of her life from now on, so what if it is without me. a few minutes down the line she rang, spoke, i didnt know how involved i shud get. after all there is another person in her life, to whom i wud be causing grave injustice. i tried to remain as nonchalant as i cud, and she well, what could she have done.
anyways, that was that fr friday evening, another phase of life over, another innings, time to take fresh guard, for what i know not! is it all worth it sometimes i wonder! my mom says it best, HE above takes all these tests, but how long. how long will we keep suffering ourselves.
in the night with my frd i had a big beer bash. i drank to my hearts bitter content. and i was smashed. i didnt have the nuts to return back, but return i did. took a bath and slept off, it was a blissful nights sleep, the stars above perhaps blessing us both, she with somebody else and me as of now alone.
saturday sunday minor events kept occuring, i didnt want to ring and bother her. am really clueless abt whatever will happen to sister alongside. she keeps msging those smses which speak of utter hopelessness in her voices. is there a way out! oh force, is there a way out!!!
and then over lunch today i got reports that shes back, and she doesnt look jolly, shes tired.
come on, i cudnt do this. she is not upbeat i gotta to take care of her i thot and rang her up...
as time goes on, i know i am doing things that have no rationale behind them. i was advised by my horoscope readers that i shud be compassionate and wise, compassionate i was, wise maybe i will never be able to with her...
anyways thats it for the day. ever since morning trying to wrap up home respos...finalising acco place and all the essentials self preservation details.
in the morning when i took the churchgate local, i think i faced life in a new vigour, handing with just a few fingers outside the compartment, and knowing that a minor shove here and there life is gone...
why preserve myself i was thinking..preserve i did. working in office i am. rung her up, i did.
and life with its moments will go on i know....
`thechild.
i was never like this, since necessities are borne out of self interest and preservation, when was ever that a question to me! but perhaps life here the last 12 months has taught me that.
friday evening was such a momentous one.
whole of the day, i ran around and completed my first big assignment in et. anchoring, contributing, editing, designing laying out a 4 pager is never easy. more so it was never easy for me with no such experience. i thank the force above for staying with me and getting me through this, despite all the blues accompanying it.
evening when work was over, arjun and myself went for a lovely movie 'Laws of Attraction'. there were some lovely lines in the movie, more so in the plot. its a must see for anyone reading this blogspot.
i will always cherish those lines pierce brosnan says to julianne moore. ' i might be a divorce lawyer but i dont believe in divorce. u gotta fight for everything in life, especially for forged relationships like marriages. where do couples have the passion they suddenly incite among themselves once they file divorce. and yes, then came the lines 'i might be called old fashioned, but for a person i love, i shud be selfless enough to give what she wants...' it was a stunner. becos just at that pt the mobile phone on my pocket stirred.
i had kept it on the vibrator mode. i knew it was friday, the day she was getting engaged. i knew there was a chance she would forget me for ever post that. i knew too she loves me, and might never ever forget me too. its true i love her, but it would be hypocrisy to say, i never dreamt of a life with her. i just cudnt help if she cudnt visualise it together. but the mobile phone read "I got engaged today. Thanks for your good wishes."
Oh i could see efforts on her part to become formal with me, to forget whatever we have had, and i didnt want to be an impediment here. i prayed god give her the best moments of her life from now on, so what if it is without me. a few minutes down the line she rang, spoke, i didnt know how involved i shud get. after all there is another person in her life, to whom i wud be causing grave injustice. i tried to remain as nonchalant as i cud, and she well, what could she have done.
anyways, that was that fr friday evening, another phase of life over, another innings, time to take fresh guard, for what i know not! is it all worth it sometimes i wonder! my mom says it best, HE above takes all these tests, but how long. how long will we keep suffering ourselves.
in the night with my frd i had a big beer bash. i drank to my hearts bitter content. and i was smashed. i didnt have the nuts to return back, but return i did. took a bath and slept off, it was a blissful nights sleep, the stars above perhaps blessing us both, she with somebody else and me as of now alone.
saturday sunday minor events kept occuring, i didnt want to ring and bother her. am really clueless abt whatever will happen to sister alongside. she keeps msging those smses which speak of utter hopelessness in her voices. is there a way out! oh force, is there a way out!!!
and then over lunch today i got reports that shes back, and she doesnt look jolly, shes tired.
come on, i cudnt do this. she is not upbeat i gotta to take care of her i thot and rang her up...
as time goes on, i know i am doing things that have no rationale behind them. i was advised by my horoscope readers that i shud be compassionate and wise, compassionate i was, wise maybe i will never be able to with her...
anyways thats it for the day. ever since morning trying to wrap up home respos...finalising acco place and all the essentials self preservation details.
in the morning when i took the churchgate local, i think i faced life in a new vigour, handing with just a few fingers outside the compartment, and knowing that a minor shove here and there life is gone...
why preserve myself i was thinking..preserve i did. working in office i am. rung her up, i did.
and life with its moments will go on i know....
`thechild.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
As close as it could ever get.....
I wind up the day with this poem of Leonard Cohen
You Do Not Have To Love Me
You do not have to love me
just because
you are all the women
I have ever wanted
I was born to follow you
every night
while I am still
the many men who love you
I meet you at a table
I take your fist between my hands
in a solemn taxi
I wake up alone
my hand on your absense
in Hotel Discipline
I wrote all these songs for you
I burned red and black candles
shaped like a man and a woman
I married the smoke
of two pyramids of sandalwood
I prayed for you
I prayed that you would love me
and that you would not love me
You Do Not Have To Love Me
You do not have to love me
just because
you are all the women
I have ever wanted
I was born to follow you
every night
while I am still
the many men who love you
I meet you at a table
I take your fist between my hands
in a solemn taxi
I wake up alone
my hand on your absense
in Hotel Discipline
I wrote all these songs for you
I burned red and black candles
shaped like a man and a woman
I married the smoke
of two pyramids of sandalwood
I prayed for you
I prayed that you would love me
and that you would not love me
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
A friend who was always a friend much before we ever met i suppose...
wrote to me the following lines..its ethereal stuff, worth reading again n again...
i love u dear..
there shud b no sorry betwn frnds. i used to believe the same about
thanks but have relaxed my view a bit. and frienship is not about
setting alarm for bdays. that is only a way of expressing. the real
thing is much deeper. much more robust.
dont be so stressed. try to relax. sleep 14hrs a day and jerk off (WHAT ON EARTH DOES HE MEAN BY THAT hahahaha,) at least 3 times.. try to implement (put into practice) the knowledge u
have gathered from books about greatness.. there need not be any set
routine.
just be aware when u r deviating from that.. words are good
things.. but they loose their meaning when u cant attach them to
something. this took me a long time to understand. in fact a word has
infinite meanings.. wisdom is feeling as many of them as you can.
u write so many good words in ur articles or otherwise. have u ever
wondered why is the same thing said in good words more appreciated than
in common language ?? it is bcos if u dont use a word very often, and
when u read it somewhere, u tend rediscover its meaning from the very
depths of ur conciousness. and its that feeling that creates value..
people say words like 'sorry' 'please' 'thanks' so many times, that they
overlook what they have just said. i bet no man will be able to count
how many time he has used the word 'thanks' in the last 1 hr.. yet the
same man will remember how many times he has said 'i am indebted' in the
last month or so.
the same thing happens with 'be happy' 'forgive and forget' etc. ppl
know it all. but they just wont do it. and after a while they even loose
touch with the feeling that they actually are not doing things that
would make them and others happy.. our conciousness has reached such a
gross level that we forget that we r wet in the rain and we start doing
our job. when we catch a cold next, we remember that 'oh! i got drenched
yesterday' ..
another effect i have seen is that every man is more keen on saying than
listening these days. things like 'u listen to me first' are so common.
where is all this aggressiveness taking us.
cool off and take a look arround u. then have a look at you. and finally u will be in a position to look inside urself. and if the scriptures are
true, that is not boring or limited..
that is much more vast than the world around us..
i love u dear..
there shud b no sorry betwn frnds. i used to believe the same about
thanks but have relaxed my view a bit. and frienship is not about
setting alarm for bdays. that is only a way of expressing. the real
thing is much deeper. much more robust.
dont be so stressed. try to relax. sleep 14hrs a day and jerk off (WHAT ON EARTH DOES HE MEAN BY THAT hahahaha,) at least 3 times.. try to implement (put into practice) the knowledge u
have gathered from books about greatness.. there need not be any set
routine.
just be aware when u r deviating from that.. words are good
things.. but they loose their meaning when u cant attach them to
something. this took me a long time to understand. in fact a word has
infinite meanings.. wisdom is feeling as many of them as you can.
u write so many good words in ur articles or otherwise. have u ever
wondered why is the same thing said in good words more appreciated than
in common language ?? it is bcos if u dont use a word very often, and
when u read it somewhere, u tend rediscover its meaning from the very
depths of ur conciousness. and its that feeling that creates value..
people say words like 'sorry' 'please' 'thanks' so many times, that they
overlook what they have just said. i bet no man will be able to count
how many time he has used the word 'thanks' in the last 1 hr.. yet the
same man will remember how many times he has said 'i am indebted' in the
last month or so.
the same thing happens with 'be happy' 'forgive and forget' etc. ppl
know it all. but they just wont do it. and after a while they even loose
touch with the feeling that they actually are not doing things that
would make them and others happy.. our conciousness has reached such a
gross level that we forget that we r wet in the rain and we start doing
our job. when we catch a cold next, we remember that 'oh! i got drenched
yesterday' ..
another effect i have seen is that every man is more keen on saying than
listening these days. things like 'u listen to me first' are so common.
where is all this aggressiveness taking us.
cool off and take a look arround u. then have a look at you. and finally u will be in a position to look inside urself. and if the scriptures are
true, that is not boring or limited..
that is much more vast than the world around us..
"What Happened"
She came in the ocean of humanity
Running on tiptoes so as not to bother anyone while she could catch her bus
He was lost in the waves trying to know
Where he was, and where to he was going.
She asked him with just two words
Which broke his reverie and suddenly
It seemed like it was someone so close, so much known from eternity behind and ahead
Tapping on the shoulders and asking
"What Happened" --- What Happened !!!
No nothing, but then he turned around
to answer her, she was not around
And gone with her was the closeness of touch
The touch which warmed him to where he was
The two words which picked his hand
And showed him where to he was going as humanity rushed
In and out creating waves in the ocean where they stood
He didnt have words to answer her back
Nor did he get the time, he was lost after all
While she touched and showed him the path
He turned, but then she was gone
In the ocean and waves stayed back the two words
They come back to his ears ever so often
What Happened! What...No Nothing..or Perhaps something Indeed had..
Running on tiptoes so as not to bother anyone while she could catch her bus
He was lost in the waves trying to know
Where he was, and where to he was going.
She asked him with just two words
Which broke his reverie and suddenly
It seemed like it was someone so close, so much known from eternity behind and ahead
Tapping on the shoulders and asking
"What Happened" --- What Happened !!!
No nothing, but then he turned around
to answer her, she was not around
And gone with her was the closeness of touch
The touch which warmed him to where he was
The two words which picked his hand
And showed him where to he was going as humanity rushed
In and out creating waves in the ocean where they stood
He didnt have words to answer her back
Nor did he get the time, he was lost after all
While she touched and showed him the path
He turned, but then she was gone
In the ocean and waves stayed back the two words
They come back to his ears ever so often
What Happened! What...No Nothing..or Perhaps something Indeed had..
Monday, July 05, 2004
Honesty...thats all i need....
life has made him a ragged soul. he drinks and smokes with the abandon of a uncaring man. but deep within him i know lies an untouched, much bruised soul which craves for honesty....
he made me listen to the lovely song by billy joel this weekend..i loved the words, and i pray that someday he as much as me, get somebody honest in our lives....
this upload is a dedication to the person i knew of him, the person they dont know of him, the person whom he tries to hide from me too, but can never do, because i have known him all along...
love u a lot dear...a lot...
Honesty Lyrics....
If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe
I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know
When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one that I depend upon
he made me listen to the lovely song by billy joel this weekend..i loved the words, and i pray that someday he as much as me, get somebody honest in our lives....
this upload is a dedication to the person i knew of him, the person they dont know of him, the person whom he tries to hide from me too, but can never do, because i have known him all along...
love u a lot dear...a lot...
Honesty Lyrics....
If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live
But if you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give
Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe
I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security
Until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me
With promises again
I know, I know
When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the one that I depend upon
Saturday, July 03, 2004
I Will Follow the Sun
One day you'll look to see I've gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
Some day you'll know I was the one.
But tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
And now the time has come
And so my love I must go.
And though I lose a friend,
In the end you'll know, oooh.
One day you'll find that I have gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
Yes, tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
And now the time has come
And so my love I must go.
And though I lose a friend,
In the end you'll know, oooh.
One day you'll find that I have gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
Some day you'll know I was the one.
But tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
And now the time has come
And so my love I must go.
And though I lose a friend,
In the end you'll know, oooh.
One day you'll find that I have gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
Yes, tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
And now the time has come
And so my love I must go.
And though I lose a friend,
In the end you'll know, oooh.
One day you'll find that I have gone.
For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun.
Dont cry for me argentina.
It won't be easy, you'll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your love after all that I've done
You won't believe me
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Although she's dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun
So I chose freedom
Running around trying everything new
But nothing impressed me at all
I never expected it to
Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance
And as for fortune, and as for fame
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired
They are illusions
They are not the solutions they promised to be
The answer was here all the time
I love you and hope you love me
Don't cry for me Argentina...
Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance
Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still need your love after all that I've done
You won't believe me
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Although she's dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn't stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun
So I chose freedom
Running around trying everything new
But nothing impressed me at all
I never expected it to
Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance
And as for fortune, and as for fame
I never invited them in
Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired
They are illusions
They are not the solutions they promised to be
The answer was here all the time
I love you and hope you love me
Don't cry for me Argentina...
Don't cry for me Argentina
The truth is I never left you
All through my wild days
My mad existence
I kept my promise
Don't keep your distance
Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think of to say to you
But all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true
its number 9 on Monday
and so it does adding up the dates of Monday. 9+1 = 10 = 1 9*1 = 9.
all calculations u do u seem to know the coming two days will be humongous. especially on monday. it will be a critical day. got to keep my cool and merge myself with the day.
rest well an earthquake can happen or an atomic bomb can come over and destroy the city.
so keep ur cool and face the music.
all the best u child dear...
`the child.
all calculations u do u seem to know the coming two days will be humongous. especially on monday. it will be a critical day. got to keep my cool and merge myself with the day.
rest well an earthquake can happen or an atomic bomb can come over and destroy the city.
so keep ur cool and face the music.
all the best u child dear...
`the child.
Friday, July 02, 2004
He'll Have to Go....
HE'LL HAVE TO GO
Beautiful one by Jim Reeves
Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone
Let's pretend that we're together all alone
I'll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low
And you can tell your friend there with you he'll have to go
Whisper to me tell me do you love me true
Or is he holding you the way I do
Though love is blind make up your mind I've got to know
Should I hang up or will you tell him he'll have to go
You can't say the words I want to hear
While you're with another man
Do you want me answer yes or no
Darling I will understand
Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone
Let's pretend that we're together all alone
I'll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low
And you can tell your friend there with you he'll have to go
Beautiful one by Jim Reeves
Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone
Let's pretend that we're together all alone
I'll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low
And you can tell your friend there with you he'll have to go
Whisper to me tell me do you love me true
Or is he holding you the way I do
Though love is blind make up your mind I've got to know
Should I hang up or will you tell him he'll have to go
You can't say the words I want to hear
While you're with another man
Do you want me answer yes or no
Darling I will understand
Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone
Let's pretend that we're together all alone
I'll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low
And you can tell your friend there with you he'll have to go
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Each Day as a separate Entity.....
It is not easy to do that. But that is what induces realism. While keeping alive dreams and enjoyments. Last night the ride back home was a drag. I dont know why tears welled out of my eyes when we had our last hug, a sense of something over and something new starting encompassed me.
Buli said it so well, "every end has a new beginning." At home, cooked took mutton curry and rice and then when i took my first long good sleep in the night after some while, it was blissful. i dont know when it came, and when it went away too, but the morning sun greeted me with splendour. it was as if i was waking up to a new day like the just born child, and i just cudnt avoid the temptation to meditate to make me realise the essence of it.
it has been a lovely free cavalier day ever since. as laptop buying seems to be imminent, the train ride ahead, as she sent me another of her sweet parting messages, life has been moving on and on. I think it started last nite with the mails. Suddenly there was a sense of direction.
Today this good boy friend of mine mails me and says that hes coming to mumbai for the next few years. and it is he who said the above lines. Each day a separate entity. Reality has dreams enmeshed in it. We tend to miss those small moments, the first drops on our cheeks on a balmy night up on the terrace, i think dadu and me had a communion over sleep.
I know he is there with me all the time. and though expectations that things will turn around has started sweeping in again, somehow, there is a quiet serenity associated with the whole thing.
The force above give me strength and wisedom to stay quiet and alive, burning and calm, forward and here all the time. Give me strength to fight along ...in this drama called life.
`thechild.
Buli said it so well, "every end has a new beginning." At home, cooked took mutton curry and rice and then when i took my first long good sleep in the night after some while, it was blissful. i dont know when it came, and when it went away too, but the morning sun greeted me with splendour. it was as if i was waking up to a new day like the just born child, and i just cudnt avoid the temptation to meditate to make me realise the essence of it.
it has been a lovely free cavalier day ever since. as laptop buying seems to be imminent, the train ride ahead, as she sent me another of her sweet parting messages, life has been moving on and on. I think it started last nite with the mails. Suddenly there was a sense of direction.
Today this good boy friend of mine mails me and says that hes coming to mumbai for the next few years. and it is he who said the above lines. Each day a separate entity. Reality has dreams enmeshed in it. We tend to miss those small moments, the first drops on our cheeks on a balmy night up on the terrace, i think dadu and me had a communion over sleep.
I know he is there with me all the time. and though expectations that things will turn around has started sweeping in again, somehow, there is a quiet serenity associated with the whole thing.
The force above give me strength and wisedom to stay quiet and alive, burning and calm, forward and here all the time. Give me strength to fight along ...in this drama called life.
`thechild.
the good boy speaketh.
i dont want to divulge this name of the person i am talking about. but after some really long time when i kept quiet and distant from him he wrote back.
here are some thoughts from that mail of his.
" I don't think I have a bond with any place now. Every place is the same,
a little hotter or colder, wetter or drier. Every city has an office,
a station and an airport, every city has people making money and
people getting fleeced. I might have told you that I meet these two kinds of people. One says love is a must, if marriage happens, it is good, else ok. The other kind says marriage is
a must (I think both of you belong there). If love happens, it is good, else ok. For one class, there is no marriage without love, for the other kind, there is no love without marriage. "
golden words arent they!
here are some thoughts from that mail of his.
" I don't think I have a bond with any place now. Every place is the same,
a little hotter or colder, wetter or drier. Every city has an office,
a station and an airport, every city has people making money and
people getting fleeced. I might have told you that I meet these two kinds of people. One says love is a must, if marriage happens, it is good, else ok. The other kind says marriage is
a must (I think both of you belong there). If love happens, it is good, else ok. For one class, there is no marriage without love, for the other kind, there is no love without marriage. "
golden words arent they!
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