...So you might say....

----


So you might say...

So you might say
how you made my Decembers worthwhile
memorable, wherever I go, in the swirling snows or cuddling waves
In them all reminding me of you

So you might say
That you are gone now, I must, should move on,
I try, but with a beard and tired legs dragging my body,
It all seems so unnecessary and unwanted to me

So you might say
this is all i wanted, foreign shores away from home,
vanity of knowledge, a fool i have been,
I admit, now I know,I wanted your love alone

So you might say
like mother, when she bid me farewell
If i could do it there all alone, my confidence
a powder now, melting under sun, next day after a frosty one

So you might say
I will be an academic soon, if five years in a life time is soon enough,
What do i teach to my students, I am a student myself,
perplexed with the world around me, always, forever.

So you might say
Do i deserve your mercy then, after you have meted out justice,
and yet what else do i beg from you, feeling hollow
yearning for some desperate sand to fill the cavities within

So you might say
now i know the uselessness of living, and yet continue to live,
loving life a bit too much, these days a little restrained,
the latest training you are giving me, with a lil discipline too

So you keep on saying, and i hear,
You keep on smiling, and i cry,
You stay silent, and i thump your breasts for some words,
In the end, so you might say, whats next, i dont know, do you?

----

..the Man thinking, or the Thinking man....

The Man Thinking or The Thinking Man

Sometimes i wish was not a thinking man,
or even the man thinking, standing still,
the stone sculpture, blazed by the heat
ravaged by the cold, no inkling of a movement

Each element of my existence craves for the residence
in this moment, live in the air, smell,
views go by in this second never to return
The heart pains as silently like rocks pounded by waves

Who am I, Why am I the I here,
Oh, the world today is inverse of all i have lived till date,
They say men are flexible, to me men seem like space-ibles,
hanging in space, observing humanity in its own exile from a distance

There, still the man thinking or the thinking man,
nerves taught tonight, bleeding, crying till the edge of my eyes,
no drops well out, tucked in an exile even a pendulum swinging,
knows better, I dont, if I am the Man thinking, or the thinking Man..



~exams are just a few days away. Its colllldd here. I study to the best of my abilities, while beyond that i watch tender disconsolate tears-causing movies like Dr Zhivago, or Il Postino.

...the long haul in loosing myself.......

it has been sometime since something has been written in these corners..just dont know why, i feel like writing a poem, and yet find myself so crippled to write one..

Maybe this is just the start, i dont know if of the beginning!

A change process that i dont know if it is for good or for bad.

Talking to the phd student, who defended last week, chaired by my advisor, it really for the first time ever, dawned on me ..about the long haul i am in...

Let us not put any time frames to this..
Let me just be dedicated and sincere and integrity personified and hope that the script takes charge of everything else..

In a nutshell, let me be good, be in total surrender with my research, and hope that all that has happened in life, has been for this new experience indeed!

Do i realise it, that after all of this last decade of studies, and working, this one, the PhD experience, is something is so afresh and totally new for me.

Am i prepared for it, i dont know just as yet, but one thing is for sure, i will try, try with my inner natural self, and what i have learnt from life in these years to give it a chance..

How many times in life do we give life a chance...Never, i guess! How about then giving this opportunity, despite the long hauls a deserved chance then....

Just dont know, if i should console myself, if i should steel up myself, if i should organise and discipline myself, or if i should be just a good student, and hope that the teacher takes care of the rest.....

Strange are the days in these last few days of 2005, last year same time, the efforts of mine, to start a life with somebody vanished..This year it seems it is the part of other life of mine to dissappear too...

Finding me, ever since now will be ever so difficult from now on...But if thats the wish, let that be so...

~amen...


i've come far enough
not to see my yesterday, nor feel my yesternight,
though the ghost of loneliness
knocks my door for one pending final fight

each breath i take
each step i release
i dissolve, i disappear, i vanish,
each moment i try to hold, begins to cease

days of dry april dance
to the tango of my victory
as night falls on tiptoe and the sea moans
i become the defeat, i become the story

among this sand of sparkle -
shaped by the sun, smoothened by the sea -
i'm dissolved somewhere, like smoke in the sky
for one weaned moment of my life, find me...

`anonymous..

....on Learning again....

This time from a lovely extract i read from somebody's page. It pleases me to find that he is an Indian, heading one of the most prized and respected, exploratory research institutes in the world, in the university i study in...But what most pleases me, is the way he puts it...the way it inspires me, in this honest confession, the dedication one puts in, to be a learner in life...beyond being involved with thoughts of whether one is an Indian or not, doing cutting edge work or not....

here it goes then....


Learning is a pleasure that has no equal. My commitment to an academic career stems from its potential for a lifetime of learning and intellectual renewal. I find that teaching is a form of learning for oneself, and thus a natural complement to research. Putting my thoughts together for a lecture forces me to revisit long-held assumptions and to ask, "Would I believe this if I were a student?" It guides me to consider a topic as it would appear to a bright and inquisitive mind, untainted by preconceived notions. This often leads me to a deeper understanding of what I am trying to teach, and on occasion to unexpected insights in research.

Research, writing, and teaching are all integral components of learning. Of these, teaching is the most rewarding in the immediacy of its feedback. To see a tightly-knit brow in class relax as understanding dawns is a prize that awaits every teacher. Suddenly, all the hours of preparation and all the frustrating attempts to integrate diverse pieces of information into a coherent whole become worthwhile.

The intellectual companionship offered by bright and eager students is one of the joys of an academic life. As their teacher, one is in a privileged position -- to be the first to open new doors and lead them to vistas of knowledge that they did not know existed. No matter how many times I have taught the same course, I remind myself that this is the first time for them. Every class, in its own distinct and unique way, has been a reward for me. I look forward to many, many more rich rewards from future classes.


: Mahadev Satyanarayanan, at http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~scsfacts/satya.html